We did our taxes the yesterday and I was really anxious of how they were going to handle Stella. They handled the situation politely and without a lot of questions, which was nice for a change. They knew right what to do and didn't make a big deal out of it. We knew that since Stella was born alive, which meant that she had a birth certificate, and that we had a social security number for her, that she would be counted as our dependant for last year. We just weren't sure how to fill out the paper work. They had us write her down as living with us for last year as our dependent. I was surprised at how happy that made me. I felt that Stella was validated by the world. It was a great feeling to write down her name, birthday and daughter under the relationship status section. It also made me sad for all of those people that carried their child to full-term only to have a stillborn. How sad for them to not have their child validated as Stella was. Another reason that I am thankful for all that we had and have with Stella.
I have so many daily reminders of losing Stella and the whole situation. First off, I have to take extra pills everyday. Those pills are a reminder to me of my body 'failing' me. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame my body for Stella's condition. I know that there were many, many factors that had to come together to have that happen. However, I still can't help but be reminded that something as small as a little pill could have made a difference. Of course, there is no way to know if they would have helped or not but I take them to potentially help out if/when we get pregnant again. It is just not a good feeling to have to take more pills but I suppose that it is a small thing to do in the long haul of it all. Taking those pills also reminds me that it could happen again. I know that I could go through it again if I had to because I have already done it once. I can't help wondering how it will affect other aspects of my life though, like my marriage and friendships. Things have shifted a little in these areas since Stella. They are not worse but different. Stella's death put a strain on my relationships in general because everything is always related back to Stella in my mind. I think that I have gotten closer to some friends and farther away from others. Jordec and I are overall closer but also farther apart at times. We both live in solitude sometimes. I think that is good, at least for me. Sometimes I need to work out stuff in my head about how I am feeling before I talk about it or act on it.
Another reminder that I have is the discoloration mark on my arm from when they tried to start an IV. Yes, over 6 months later, it is still slightly there. I am actually looking to get a tattoo there to honor Stella. I have a few ideas for that one but not a final draft yet. I am looking to incorporate a star and a flower somehow. I also still sleep with the blanket Stella used in the hospital. I feel comfort in just holding it. I know that I will one day stop doing that but I just can't do it yet.
These reminders are not sad, they are just present every day. I don't want to forget Stella but some days I just want to get away from thinking about it. I can't do that at all with these reminders. I know that getting away from it won't make me better, but a break from time to time would be nice. I need the breather! Prayers to those out there going through their own grief. God bless!
~Stella's Mommy~
