We celebrated Eliot's birthday by going to the Children's Museum and taking him to his first movie "Puss in Boots". He behaved so well while playing at the museum and he sat quietly during the movie. He wanted to watch another one right away! We even went out for ice cream after the movie since he behaved so well all day.
Stella is never far from our thoughts but we were reminded of her death again today. As we were entering the Children's Museum we had to show our membership card. The woman asked, "Are all 4 of you here today?". Of course Stella is not here, so it was yet another reminder that she is not with us. When we signed up for the membership we knew that we were pregnant but we had not yet found out about Stella's diagnosis, so we put down two kids. Now, whenever we go to the Children's Zoo or Museum and see those membership cards with 2 kids on them, we remember Stella and our loss of her potential future. Another blow to us was that there was a baby there who couldn't have been more than a few weeks old. I found myself starring at him and I had to make myself look away when the parents noticed me looking. I just kept remembering Stella in my arms and I longed for her.
I sucked up my emotions for today because it was Eliot's birthday. I faked a happy smile until it no longer needed to be faked and I started enjoying myself again. It worked for a while until I started to get a migraine. I think the combo of not getting good sleep last night (Eliot woke up with nightmares) and suppressing my emotions caused the migraine to manifest itself. I ended up in pain during the movie and missed most of it covering my eyes and plugging my ears. I'm not sure what this means because I know that I did the right thing. I have a son here that I need to focus on too and he deserved his special birthday treats. On the other hand, one small thing snowballed into other emotions which moved on to physical pain. Any other day and maybe we would have gone home instead of continuing on with our day. I know that expressing emotions when you feel them takes away some of their power, just like me writing this blog helps relieve myself of some of the sting of the emotions. Again, I think that there is a time and place for them. We must think about ourselves to get through our grief but not to the point of being selfish and hurting others. I think that is best determined by ourselves and our own ethical decisions of when is appropriate and not appropriate to express those emotions. I still haven't figured this part out very well. It is a work in progress just like the rest of my grieving. It is a part of me that I work on everyday. To express or not to express? That is the question. God bless!
