For my Mom

Happy Birthday!  I love you!

More than you realize, I love you
Words cannot express how deep the love goes
I could try and formulate the right phrase,
But what is real, in my heart, only God knows

Others are put before you, without any thought
Your selflessness seems to have no end
Know that all you do is deeply appreciated
Our gratefulness to you we would like to send

Truly you are a woman who has great heart
Your strength in anything you've been through
Has been an inspiration to us all
I know my strength lies in watching the example of you

Here and now I pledge to be more like you
To live, love, and have faith never-ending
I hope to someday be able to pass them on
For these attributes, I ask from Jesus in prayers I'm sending

Every time I see you take time for someone
I realize the importance of living in the moment
Your patience is amazing and inspiring
To someday have your level of patience is my commitment

Remember that I will always love you
Even though I wish I could see you more
Know that the distance between us means nothing
I will always be your daughter and you, the Mother I adore

         Love, Bridget

Candle Lighting Ceremony

     We went to the Worldwide Candle Lighting Ceremony a couple weeks ago.  It was a wonderful, moving night.  It was heartbreaking to see all of the people there who had lost children, some of them recently.  There was an opening speaker and then people got up to light their candles and say who they were lighting them for.  I was moved to tears by their stories.  There were so many babies.  When it was out turn I went up to talk and I couldn't get the words out.  Luckily Jordec took over for me and said,"We light this candle for our daughter Stella."  He said when she was born and died and that she lived for 2 hours with us.  I thank him for that, it was just too overwhelming for me to say out loud.  When the other people spoke, I felt so sad for them.  When it was our turn, I realized that I am them.  It broke my heart all over again to realize that our daughter Stella died.  I have been going back to that realization over and over again ever since the ceremony.  It is so hard to say the word die.  I need to say it though otherwise I am just tip-toeing around the reality of what really happened.  By just saying it outright I feel that I can get to a better place of acceptance faster than if I make it sound better by using the words 'lost', 'passed', or 'went to heaven'.  There are times and places for those words but the reality is, she died, she is dead.  It makes me hurt and miss her so much to even write those words but I don't want to float through my days feeling numb, or somewhere else.  I want to feel, even if the feeling is hurt and sadness.  I want to remember her instead of thinking of other things so that I won't hurt.  I don't need to think of her all day, I know that would do no good for me or anyone I am around, but I don't want to not think of her because it is too hard.  I know that is not good for me either.  I am not sure where the happy medium is but I am searching for it.  I need my family and friends to know that I feel that I am hurting more now at this point than right after Stella died.  I think that reality is setting in and the numbness is wearing off.  I realize more and more what we lost, a daughter and a possible future.  All of the things I see in Eliot I will never get to witness with Stella.  I am affected by external triggers more now than I did after she died.  I feel a longing to be pregnant again, to feel a baby move in my belly, to care for and nurture another child.  I find myself hugging the little girls I see a little longer that I used to.  I think about what it would be like if Stella could have grown up like them.  It is hard but I can't help myself.  I don't know how to look at them and not wonder about Stella.  Even my grown-up nieces and their Moms cause jealousy for me.  I don't know how else to describe the feeling.  I wonder if I will ever have the chance to have that kind of relationship with a daughter of my own.  I so wanted that for Stella and me.  I want that so badly and I can never have that with her.  I don't know what else to say.  I just miss her so much. I think that I haven't written here for a while because I didn't want to admit these feelings.  I just wanted to not think about my hurt and try to forget but I can never do that.  I need to forge ahead.  God bless and Merry Christmas.      

Stella's Story Part 4: To Donate, or Not to Donate

     About a week after we found out about Stella's diagnosis, Jordec and I discussed the idea of donating her organs.  I can't remember who thought of it first but we both agreed that we would love to do it but we didn't know what was going to happen, so we were reluctant to say anything definite.  I did some research and it turns out that there is a lot of controversy about babies with Anencephaly donating organs.  Apparently, in order to donate you have to be declared brain dead, but how to you declare a baby brain dead when they don't have a brain?  There is fear that the babies will be seen as nothing more than donors and it is for sure a gray area in the ethics department.  We decided to talk to our doctor about our wishes to donate her organs.  The doctor was surprised but they contacted the right people and put us in contact with them too.  The doctor received an email from Nebraska Organ Recovery Service (NORS) stating that with Stella's condition, she would be eligible to donate her liver, and, if she was over 8 lbs, to donate her heart valves.  I talked with the man who would be doing the operation on Stella multiple times before she was born.  He was amazing and wanted to make sure that we had all of the information before we made our final decision and that we could voice any questions and concerns that we may have.  He even gave me his home number in case we thought of something else to ask about.  We decided that we would donate her organs but we reserved the right to change our minds.  We didn't know what we would be feeling and what the situation would be after she was born, so we wanted to leave ourselves the option.  NORS was understanding of that decision and they were ready for us if we chose to donate that day.  We felt that Stella could maybe live on in others or at least help in research to develop ways to help others.
      On the day Stella was born, she was not 8 lbs so she would not be donating her heart valves.  After she passed, we were comfortable donating her liver so we notified NORS, who was waiting in the hospital, and they got the OR ready for her.  We had some time before the operation so we took a lot of pictures and spent more time with her.  It was hard to let her go but I knew she would be coming back in a few hours.  We rested and visited with family while she was gone.  I was so happy to see her come back to us.  I had missed her!  I remember feeling proud of her for donating her liver and thinking that she was so brave.  Those thoughts may seem irrational but I still feel that way.  I am proud of my little girl doing her part in some big medical advancements.  NORS gave us little teddy bears with a ribbon around them that says "HERO".  We received multiple bears and gave them out to the grandparents.  I agree that Stella is a hero.  We also received many pins with their logo on that we handed out to Stella's Aunts and Uncles.  I really can't stress enough how amazing NORS was to us.  Please go to their website and put your name in their donor registry if you are an organ donor. 
     We found out later that the kind of liver donation she had was only second one done in Nebraska.  It is such a new procedure that, unfortunately, her liver didn't directly affect someone but it will indirectly affect many, many lives to come.  They found out through Stella that they needed to use an addition medicine to make the donated liver work better.  I don't know the specifics as it is a confusing process for me but because of Stella, they are one step closer to figuring it out.  They are also froze her liver cells for the possibility of future developments where they could use them.  The great thing is, if they ever use her cells, we will be notified!  I think that is awesome.  We received a medal in the mail from NORS a while back and, when we get her headstone figured out, it will be put onto it.
      Now, Jordec and I are running a 1/2 marathon in May to honor Stella.  As a side note, any donations we receive are going to be donated to NORS.  They truly are an amazing organization.  God bless!

What Faith Can Do

"What Faith Can Do" - by: Kutless

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

*After we found out about Stella's diagnosis, I would sit and cry to this song.  It gave me such a sense of peace to know that no matter what happens, it was in God's hands.  I knew that my only job was to keep the faith going.  I still listen to that song a lot and I cry sometimes and sometimes I don't but no matter what, the sense of peace still washes over me.  I will take that peace any day of the week!  It's all about finding what works for you.  It changes everyday for me.  Today I just enjoyed Eliot while we cuddled on the couch.  The peace was there during that.  I don't want to 'get better', I will never be 'better'.  I am a different person now.  That's just the way it is.  All I want, is to feel at peace.  God bless you and I pray for you to feel the peace too.

Next post: Stella's Story Part 4: To Donate, or Not to Donate - our journey through deciding to donate Stella's liver.

Stella's Story Part 3: Preparation

     After we found out Stella's diagnosis, we were in a state of shock.  We couldn't believe what was happening and that is was happening to us.  We had never heard of anyone going through with a pregnancy that would outcome with a baby that would die.  It was a no-brainer for us that we would go through with it, but we were unprepared with how to deal with the situation.  I am a self-proclaimed nerd.  When something new comes into my life, I research it until I feel I have mastered the subject.  It is the way I have always been.  I poured over books from the library and visited more websites than I can remember.  What I remember seeing, or not seeing rather, is what I was going through.  Oh, there was a site that had similar stories of women going on with their pregnancy when their baby was diagnosed with Anencephaly, but it wasn't really all that helpful.  It was 'nice' to realize that we weren't alone in our journey, that others had gone through it before us.  What the sites didn't do, and what we were looking for, was what did we do in the meantime?  What should we do while we wait for her to be born, or God-forbid, die in the womb at any moment?  Those sites had a few suggestions which got the ball rolling for me to do a lot.  I found myself making lists, another thing that I always do, to determine what I wanted done before Stella's arrival.  I became so determined to give her everything that any other child of mind would have.  I had tunnel vision and searched the Internet and books for countless ideas of ways to memorialize Stella. 
    The first thing I decided on was that Stella should have the most beautiful dress any little baby girl could ever have.  I then realized that, because of her condition, I would also have to find the most beautiful bonnet, or hat for her too.  Every store in town was searched for the perfect dress but I ended up finding a dainty, lacy, dress and bonnet at a consignment sale.  I buy all of Eliot's clothes at those sales so it seemed only fitting that I would find hers there too.  I found pale pink tights, lacy pink shoes, a pink hand-made knit hat and booties as well at the sales.  I felt that God had put all of these beautiful things right there for me to find.  I wanted the hat and booties because I had taken a picture of Eliot in a blue hat and booties and, of course, I felt that Stella deserved the same.  Another piece of clothing she had was a onsie that Eliot had decorated before we knew she would be a girl.  He drew all over the front and we wrote on the back "Welcome to the world.  Love, Big Brother Eliot".  He was so proud of that onsie and it was the first thing that she wore after she was born.  I had a blanket that my Grandma Wiese had knitted for me when I was a baby and I had always wanted to give it to my daughter.  My awesome cousin found an in-law family member of hers who could knit and had two small versions made for me. One of the blankets went with Stella in her casket and the other we have here, just for her.  It made me feel so much better to be able to give a blanket to her for her very own.  The hardest thing for us to buy was the outfit for Stella to wear at her funeral.  Luckily we went shopping around Easter time so there were plenty of little white dresses for us to choose from.  Jordec found the perfect one and he made the comment that he wanted her to wear white because it reminded him of the wedding dress she would never wear and that he wouldn't get to walk her down the aisle.  Imagine that conversation in the middle of Target.  I am still surprised to this day that I didn't break down and bawl right there.  I had never even thought about that before but obviously Jordec had.  It was just another reminder of her future that we lost with Stella's diagnosis.  My Mom and I made a special blanket for Eliot.  My Mom embroidered 'Eliot & Stella' with a heart under their names.  He loves it and calls it his Stella blanket.  We gave it to him the day Stella was born as a gift from Stella.
      I wanted many things to have around after Stella passed to help keep her memory alive.  I had, and still do to some extent, a fear that she would be born, die and then people would forget about her.  I thought that if I had lots of stuff around, it would be harder for people to forget her.  The first thing I wanted was an engraved locket that I could put a picture in and, if she had hair, a lock of her hair.  I also wanted a special box to put her hair in and finger nail clippings.  That may sound odd to people but I just really wanted pieces of her to always be close in case I wanted to touch a physical part of her.  I received a gift of a fingerprint charm kit to make a necklace out of later.  I had a bracelet engraved for her to wear with her name on it from Jordec and I, and a delicate angel charm.  Another physical thing that I wanted of Stella's was her heartbeat.  I had a bear made at build-a-bear and had a recording of her heartbeat put in it.  I can hug that bear, with an embroidered pink shirt with Stella written across it in my Grandma Schaecher's blue, and hear her heartbeat.  I love to hear that thump thump, it's so alive. 
       We arranged for a priest to come and do the baptism in the OR and he gave a wonderful prayer before we went to the OR.  We had Stella blessed a few times while she was in the womb and we had a rosary blessed for her to take with her in the casket.  We got in contact with the hospital and got everything set up there with a committee of people to help make Stella's life as great at they could for her, and us.  I must have emailed them at least a dozen times.  I found a suggestion on one of the websites for a birth plan in these situations as well.  My best advice is to leave nothing open to assumption.  We requested a CPAP machine to get Stella to start breathing if needed and I believe that was the difference between her breathing for two hours and not breathing at all.  I think our plan was about three pages long.  I figured I would ask for as much as possible for what I wanted and, thankfully, everything we requested the hospital was able to do.  I can never thank them enough for being so compassionate towards us all.  We met with the group of people a few weeks before Stella was due to make sure we had everything set up the best way we could for her arrival.  I highly recommend getting in touch with the hospital early on to determine if they can accommodate what you desire.  If not, go elsewhere if possible, or try to get someone that can help you get what you need.  If anyone wants me to post our birth plan, just comment so on a post and I will do that.   
     We contacted Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS), which is an amazing organization that has professional photographers who take pictures of babies that are expected to die.  Our photographer was a wonderful woman named Angel and her pictures were beautiful.  We also had a photographer who was affiliated with NILMDTS who did a maternity photo shoot for us a month before Stella was born.  We weren't sure if Stella was going to be born alive and we wanted to have pictures taken while she was alive.  Even though you couldn't see her in the pictures (obviously), it meant a lot to us to know that she was alive in those pictures, kicking away.  We also arranged for my cousin to take pictures too.  We figured we could never have too many pictures and we didn't want to miss an single moment of the day.   
     We had some family bring by a Stella de Oro lily for us and planted it our yard for us.  It bloomed for the first time on the day Stella was born, one perfect flower.  We discovered Stella's name everywhere.  Jordec started drinking Stella Artois beer, which we called Stella beer.  We received a blanket and a lamb from Prenatal Partners for Life.  They also sent us a wonderful CD with a song that explained exactly what we were going through.  I put the lyrics in a previous blog.  I was so worried that we wouldn't receive the typical things like blankets, so my mother-in-law got a us a beautiful blanket that I sleep with sometimes when I really miss Stella.
    Every day I was working to get something done before Stella arrived.  I felt that this was the way that I could provide and parent her.  I knew that during her short life we would just be loving her so I used this time to get all of the 'stuff' ready for us.  As Stella had a high chance of being born early, I didn't want to have to worry about something not being done.  I am a planner by nature and I like to know what is going to happen when.  With Stella possibly coming early, possibly dying in the womb, and not knowing how long she would live, I was forced to let go of that control and so by planning the 'stuff', I felt that I could take back some of the control in the situation.
     We started planning her visitation and funeral before she was born.  I knew that I would be recovering from a surgery as well as the death of Stella and I didn't think I would be able to make those decisions at that point.  That was one of the best things we could have done because the time between Stella's death and her funeral was a week and it was still packed with recover and plenty of stuff to do.  I must have worked on the program for her funeral everyday for two months.  I kept tweaking it and adding things, then taking other things away.  I just wanted it to be perfect.  I didn't want to have any regrets about anything.  I had my Mom talk to the funeral home because that is just one thing that I didn't think I could do.  It made it too real and I wasn't ready to talk to them until the time came closer to Stella's arrival.  Mom talked to them and I emailed a few times.  We got the basics figured out pretty easily.  It was hard to see the small casket online but that was nothing compared to when we saw it for the first time in person.  We had to guess how big Stella would be to figure out what size to get.  That was really depressing and something I hope I never have to do again.  I then also had to email the priest, figure out songs, readings, and who would do what for the ceremonies.  In a lot of ways it was like planning a really sad wedding.  Almost all of the same elements were there: ceremony, flowers, reception, food, etc.  We picked out and ordered flowers to put on her casket at the grave site and to go on either side of her casket during the ceremonies; we found a different flower with Stella in the name.  My nephew and us had silicone bracelets made with her name on one side and 'Remember' on the other side.  We handed them out at the funeral for people to wear.  Another nephew arranged for pink and white balloons to be released at the grave site after the ceremony there.  I also made a CD with many songs that helped me through and we played it at Stella's visitation.  I now listen to that CD often and it makes me think of Stella and it is still very helpful. 
     All of these preparations we did might seem a bit much to some, but I am so grateful I did them.  I got to parent Stella by preparing for her arrival as best as I could.  When she arrived, all I had to do was love her.  The decisions were already made so there wasn't anything extra to stress about.  The hospital knew what we wanted so they didn't have to ask me questions the whole time, my family knew what we wanted so they were helpful instead of bothering, Jordec and I knew what we wanted too.  I have no regrets about Stella's arrival.  She was welcomed with joy and love.  She died surrounded by love.  We have tons of pictures to remember her.  I am as happy as I can be about the situation.  I highly recommend preparing in some regard as it does give you that sense of control in an out-of-control situation.  Feel free to comment with any questions.  Good luck and God bless.
     

Four months

    Four months has come and is almost gone since Stella arrived and said goodbye to us, all on the same morning.  She has become such a large part of my life that in a way it seems as if she didn't die.  When the realization comes that she is not here and did die, my heart breaks all over again.  That is how today is for me.  I am feeling the loss of Stella today almost as badly as right after we found out she would die, and right after she was taken away from us at the hospital.  I am feeling the hole in my heart and my arms are aching for her, physically aching.  I cannot express enough the emptiness that I feel.  Right after she was taken from us, my stomach felt empty, my arms empty and, now especially, part of my heart feels empty.  I have recently lowered my dosage of depression medication and I feel that is the reason why I am feeling this way.  It sound weird, but I am happy that I feel this way, at least today.  I have not felt this way since after her funeral.  I have felt numb inside.  I sometimes feel that I have not outwardly grieved enough, that I have not cried enough and fully felt the pain of my loss.  Days like today make me realize that I do feel that loss and that I am still living.  I am able to deal with the pain and the heartache now because of that numbness I had.  The body is an amazing machine.  It numbs us so that we can go through the motions to live.  When we are ready the numbness wears off, a bit at a time, to allow us to grieve in a more healthy, safe way.  I wonder if this happens a lot with other people too.  I know that is how it is going with me.  I think the numbness is wearing off and I'm glad.  I am ready to deal with the pain and, in turn, love Stella through my loss of her. 
   I know that I am glad Stella is a part of my life.  I know that God made her in His likeness for me to borrow until it was time for her to go home.  God knew how long that she would live and He knew that it would cause me pain, but He knows more than any of us and I trust in His path for me.  It is not easy to write those words as I don't always feel that way.  I repeat the words to myself when I don't feel that way and it doesn't take long for me to truly believe them.  Please pray for us as the numbness wears off and the pain starts again.  I know that I could use it, and I don't know who would turn down prayers.  God bless all of you and thanks for listening.  It really helps me to know that people are still there for us and that people care what we are going through.  

Christmas Tree

    I decorated our Christmas tree today.  I look forward to doing that every year.  This year it was almost as enjoyable but I realized that we would never have handmade ornaments from Stella like we will from Eliot.  I found some things to decorate the tree to remember Stella.  I put one of the bracelets we had made to remember her on the tree.  I also put a rosary like the one she was buried with on the tree.  I like to use unique and personal ornaments to decorate the tree.  These ornaments allow for memories to spark and we can reminisce about them all season long.  I intend to use the bracelet and rosary to do the same thing.  I want these items to spark the memory of Stella.  I never want those memories to go away.  In time, the memories will just become happier and happier and the sadness in them will slowly diminish.  Although the sadness may never go away,  I would rather have the memories around than to forget them. 
     I plan to take Stella with me to our Christmas', in my heart as well as with pictures.  I know that I will talk about her and wonder what she is doing in heaven for Christmas.  I know that our families will talk about her and look at pictures of her too.  By doing these things, her memory stays alive with me, as well as with the rest of our families.  Stella is a part of my life.  I miss her every day, some days more than others.  I wouldn't trade ANY memory of Stella, even the ones that make me sad. 
    I picture Stella in heaven with shoulder length, ringlet curled hair, running with a beautiful dress flowing behind her.  She is about 4 and I picture her huge smile with dimples in her chubby cheeks and my Wiese nose.  She is giggling and her eyes are sparkling.  She is being chased by someone who wants to tickle her; it could be Jesus, or her Grandpa, or another loving relative who arrived in heaven before her.  They catch her, tickle her, pick her up and swing her around.  I see her looking at me smiling, in a way that is telling me that she is alright and that she has plenty of people to take care of her.  I am not ready to go to heaven yet, but a part of me can't wait until that is me in heaven catching her and twirling her around.  This the 'memory' of the dream, that I have often.  I believe that this is Stella talking to me.  It may seem far fetched to some but if you had this dream like I have, you would believe it too. 
    Since I have never been through a holiday season without Stella.  I will post below some words of wisdom from someone else that has been through it.  I found it on a support website so I just copied and pasted here.  Some of it I think I will go through and some of it I don't but we are all different in our grief.  May their tips help give you some ideas about how to survive and thrive during the holidays but, when in doubt, PRAY!  God bless!

Coping with the Holidays While Grieving -  Written by Cindy Haugen

            Christmas has always been a time for family.  But when you feel like a part of your family is missing, it can be a particularly difficult time of year.  Although it has been thirteen years not, I vividly remember our first Christmas after Bret died.  He was born with angel wings in August 1995, but his original due date was November 30.  Therefore, we had planned on having a new baby with whom to celebrate Christmas with that year.  That Christmas, I worried that my emptiness would swallow me. 

            In the past, I relished our tradition of opening up a nice bottle of wine, cranking up the Christmas carols on the stereo, and helping our son put as many lights and ornaments on the tree as we could without toppling it over.  That Christmas, we continued our tradition for our son’s sake, but my heart just wasn’t in it.  Everything took on new meaning that year. Remembering that is was baby Jesus’ birthday just reminded me of the baby I lost.  The angel we always put on top of the tree grained new significance – I prayed an angel like that one would be watching over my baby.  Shortly after Bret died, we were touched to find a teddy angel ornament that was dressed in blue.  That Christmas, it was the last ornament we put on the tree, and many tears flowed that night as we ached for our baby boy to be with us.  I dreaded Christmas day, not wanting to revisit my pain. 

            But like most other anxious experiences, the time leading up to the event was worse than the day itself.  On Christmas morning, I began to find solace in the symbolism of the season, and I found a lot of comfort in our little blue teddy angel.  I felt as though Bret was there with us.  Losing Bret made me cherish my son and husband even more.  It turned out to be one of the most meaningful Christmas seasons I had ever experienced.

            The most important tip for handling the holidays after a major loss is to be gentle with yourself, and do what feels the most comfortable.  Here are some other suggestions:

·         Acknowledge that Christmas is coming.  As much as you may want to avoid it, you can’t.

·         Try not to ‘float’ into Christmas.  Be deliberate in choosing what you would like to do.

·         Avoid thinking about what you ‘should’ do.  You need to do what is right for you instead of feeling obligated.  Decide to do what you can manage and let your friends and family know.  There are no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ ways to celebrate the holidays.

·         Make Christmas a ‘season’ rather than a day.  Trying to do too much on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day will put too much pressure on you.

·         Don’t take on too much.  Decide on your priorities, including baking, decorating, sending greeting cards, or having a large family dinner.  Are these things that really need to be done?  If so, perhaps others can assist you.

·         Set times for the things you really want to do.  If you don’t schedule it, it probably won’t happen.

·         If you plan to shop, create a list ahead of time so it is ready for when you feel up to it.  Or you may consider catalogue shopping.

·         Realize that Christmas won’t be the same.  Honor your feelings and don’t pretend you are happy if you are not.  The holidays may increase your feelings of sadness.  It’s okay.  Share your feelings with your supportive family and friends.

·         Try altering your Christmas traditions, and create new ones, if that feels comfortable.  Or you can just change the schedule of your traditions.  For example, if you are accustomed having a large dinner on Christmas Day, perhaps have it on another day instead. 

·         Honor your baby.  For example, you may hang a special tree ornament, or burn a special candle in his/her memory.  Another suggestion is hanging a stocking in which family members can put notes expressing their thoughts and feelings.  You may also donate a gift to charity in memory of your baby, of the money that you would have spent purchasing gifts for your little one.  Remembering is healing. 

·         Attend a special candlelight ceremony or church service. 

·         Take care of yourself.  Create a balance by making time for socializing and time alone.  Get plenty of rest, because the holidays can be very draining.  Exercise, eat well and take care of yourself spiritually.

·         Remember that time and love from a relaxed you is the best gift for your family and friends.

·         Having fun will not dishonor your baby.  After all you have been through you deserve some happiness.  Allow yourself and your family to take pleasure in the holidays.  Wouldn’t your baby want that?

And as hard as it may be, keep in mind that you will come to enjoy Christmas again in the future.  May the meaning of Christmas be deeper, its friendship stronger, and its hopes brighter as it comes to you this year.  

Thankfulness

    I am thankful for so many things in my life but I am most thankful for all of the love in my life.  Love has helped us through our journey with Stella.  Love from my husband, my son, my family and friends, and from God, has allowed me to be able to grieve in peace.  I am able to grieve the loss of Stella while not feeling alone.  Although they don't understand what I am going through, I know that my family and friends love me.  That is enough to get me through rough days and to allow me to smile and laugh on the good days.  Mostly, I am thankful that Stella is a part of my life.  Notice how I didn't use the past tense there.  Stella is a part of my everyday life.  Some days it is an all day dwelling of memories of Stella and other days it is a fleeting happy thought of her.  No matter what, I believe that she will be a part of my everyday life in one way or another and I am so grateful for that.  In having Stella, I now know the meaning of true love.  I feel that I have an inkling of what God felt to give up His Son for us.  I feel connected to so many more people even though I cannot be connected physically to Stella.  Her life and her memory has changed me.  I think I am changed in a positive way in that I am grateful for everyone's life.  I cherish my family more than I ever have and I love them actively.   Reach out to people in your life and love them with purpose.  God bless!

Thanksgiving

    My family celebrated Thanksgiving today.  It was such a wonderful day!  I love seeing the family.  I wish we had more time so that I could visit with everyone but there are just too many of us.  I enjoyed talking to some and playing outside with others.  Of course, the food was delicious and we all ate too much. 
     We stopped by Stella's grave site and visited with her a bit.  Her godparents came out too and stayed with us there for a few minutes.  We brought the photo book I made for Stella from all of the pictures of her life, death, and burial.  I am so proud of it and it was a great form of therapy for me.   You can visit http://stellasue.shutterfly.com/ and see Stella's webpage as well as the photo book that I made.  I journaled in the book to help me remember the emotions and actions of the day.  There was so many things packed into so few hours that I wanted to get it all down before my memory is faded.  I also added many quotes, poems, and song lyrics that have meant a lot to me and have helped me in our journey with Stella.  One of my favorite moments of the day Stella was born is when Father came back in the afternoon to visit again.  He said a wonderful blessing for all of us and we prayed the Our Father, all holding hands.  After that he said he was reminded of a song, "In This Very Room".  Nobody else seemed to know the song, so he sang a few lines of it.  My sister-in-law looked it up later and played the song at Stella's funeral.  It is such a wonderful song and every time I hear it I think of all of the love that we had in the hospital room.  I think the walls would have burst if there would have been any more love in that room.  Jesus was for sure there with us!  
     Small things, like quotes, can have a great impact on your emotions.  When emotions are expressed beautifully, their meaning can be enhanced.  I read quotes and poems often while waiting for Stella's arrival.  I think they were therapeutic and calming.  Find what works for you and do it often!  Anything, no matter how small, if it helps you through your grief, through the process, then it is worth it!  God bless! 
   Here are the lyrics to "In This Very Room".

In this very room there's quite enough love for one like me,
And in this very room there's quite enough joy for one like me,
And there's quite enough hope and quite enough power to chase away any gloom,
For Jesus, Lord Jesus ... is in this very room.

And in this very room there's quite enough love for all of us,
And in this very room there's quite enough joy for all of us,
And there's quite enough hope and quite enough power to chase away any gloom,
For Jesus, Lord Jesus ... is in this very room.

In this very room there's quite enough love for all the world,
And in this very room there's quite enough joy for all the world,
And there's quite enough hope and quite enough power to chase away any gloom,
For Jesus, Lord Jesus ... is in this very room.

Waves of Emotion

    It is amazing how emotions work.  I really wish there was a simple way to control them and deal with them.  It is true that they are like waves.  Have you ever tried to control the ocean waves?  All you can do with them is ride them into shore, or just try to keep your head above water.  Tonight I got hit with a 10-story wave.  I had been working out and I was diving home and a huge wave came at me from the side and wiped me out.  I broke down crying in the car and the only thing I could think of was how much I WANTED Stella.  I was pissed off and sad that she wasn't here with me and I felt like it was so unfair.  The wave rolled over me and hit me multiple times.  I got home and hugged Jordec, told him how I felt and Eliot came and hugged me too.  Eliot gets so concerned when I am sad and crying.  Jordec calmed me down and I love him so much.  Eliot gave me a tissue to wipe my tears, he is so sweet!  I sat and listened to some quiet music on my ipod and found some peace.  The crying was a nice stress relief and, although it sound weird, it felt good to feel sad and miss Stella.  It is nice to know that I still feel that way.  Sometimes life gets in the way and I start to feel that I am moving on too quickly from Stella's death.  I like knowing that Stella is still in the forefront of my mind and that I want her so badly in my life.  I worry that since her life was so short that her impact on me and everyone was not very deep.  I should have known her life would have been so impactful that it would affect more people than we even could imagine.  I have started training for a half marathon, 13.1 miles, in Stella's honor.  Jordec is doing it to, along with some family, friends, co-workers, and some people that we don't even know.  Please pray for us as our physical and emotional journey during the marathon training is sure to have it's ups and downs.  I am still learning to roll with the emotions but I think that as long as I acknowledge and express them, and don't supress them, then I will do okay.  As always, God bless!  Here are the lyrics to a song that helps me through those times when I feel like the situation is unfair. 

   "Praise You In This Storm"
       by: Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Stella's Story Part 2: Bad News (continued)

     We woke up the next morning anxious and solemn.  We knew that the specialist was going to confirm what we were already told, that our daughter was going to die.  My parents had stayed the night at our place and they watched Eliot while Jordec and I went to the appointment.  We were nervous while we were waiting at the office.  They called our name and I had my vitals taken.  I remember that my blood pressure was perfect and that they were shocked by that.  I think that I was in such a state of shock still that my body wasn't showing the signs of stress.  The tech did the ultrasound and showed us all of the part of Stella.  We saw her perfect, strong heart, all of her fingers and toes, and her beautiful face.  She was perfect, except for her head.  Her entire body was functional and working great.  It was a small miracle as there are usually lots of other problems with Anecephalic babies, especially with their heart.  Stella had the hiccups while the ultrasound was happening and she kept moving and making it difficult for the tech.  We thought that was hilarious and we marveled at her tenacity and orneriness.  We were told the same diagnosis as the day before, Anencephaly.  We got some unforgettable pictures from the ultrasound, one with her hands together as if in prayer. 
     We then met with the doctor who explained that there were a million different reasons for Anencephly and nothing that we had done caused the defect.  I was so grateful to know that and also to know that it is a rare condition.  Unfortunately, since Stella had it, we are more likely to have another child with it.  They told me I would have to take extra folic acid to lower our chances of having another baby with Anencephaly.  They explain how the defect occurred and they also told us that it happened in the 4th week of pregnancy, before we even knew that we were pregnant.  The doctor asked us her name and referred to her as Stella throughout our talk.  It felt great to use her name over and over and to have her life validated already.  The doctor even drew out things for us so that we could better understand what was happening.  She told us that Stella had a greater risk of being stillborn than a risk-free pregnancy but that the majority make it to full-term.  If she would be born alive, she had the chance of living for one breath or at the longest a couple of weeks.  We prepared our self for her to die in the womb but we hoped and prayed for a few hours so that we could get to know her and have our families meet her.  We left the doctor feeling better than the day before because we had some answers and information.  It wasn't what we would prefer but it was better than not knowing anything. 
     We went home and told my parents everything that the doctors had said and we felt that if we could make it to full-term and have a little bit of time with her that we would be able to easier deal with everything. 
I told my parents to go home as my Mom was helping to take care of my Grandmother.  Jordec's family came over later that night and we told them everything that we knew.  More family came and visited the next few days and we told them all that we knew.  We were so thankful for all of the visitors as it allowed us to talk about Stella.  We were so proud to have a daughter that we wanted to talk about her even if the subject was sad.  It was also nice to have family over as it gave us a nice distraction from our thoughts.  We needed the break from the stress and family allowed for us to laugh and relieve that tension.  I cannot stress enough how much the smallest token of support helped us.  The cards, visits, and phone calls that we received meant so much.  It helped to feel all of the love from other people which helped support us. 
    If you don't have the support out there from your family and friends, then you need to find it through support groups or other networks.  It will make the difference between making it through with grace or struggling day by day. 
     The hardest thing that I did on this second day was to pack up all of the baby stuff that I had prepared.  I was doing okay with most of it until I came across a blanket that my Grandma Wiese had made for me.  I had always wanted to pass it down onto my own daughter someday.  That was really hard for me.  The rest of the stuff was Eliot's old clothes or things that were gender neutral.  I had not bought anything for Stella specifically as we were waiting to know the gender first.  I just had to put it all away.  I saved the special blanket until I knew what I wanted to do with it but everything else we packed up and sent home with my parents.  I couldn't bear to look at it all and I wanted Eliot's room back to normal.  By doing this, I changed my perception of the situation.  Before, we were preparing to bring a baby home but now, we were preparing to bury one.  I needed the visual shift in our living arrangements so that I could better come to terms with what we were dealing with.  This helped a lot and I was able to think about all of the other things that we had to do before Stella arrived.  All of that information will come in Stella's Story Part 3: Preparation, pt. 1 (tasks).  Until next time, God bless!

Stella Everywhere

     Before we decided to give Stella her name, we didn't hear it very often.  After her diagnosis, we saw it everywhere.  One random day, the car in front of me had a license plate with 'Stella 1'.  Today, on 'Dinosaur Train', there was a star fish and her name was Stella.  Eliot's eyes got big and he said, 'Like Stella Sue!'.  It was too cute!  I love that he knows her in his everyday life and not only on special occasions.  My goal is to make that continue.  Had a wonderful day today and I will finish up Stella's Story Part 2: Bad News tomorrow.  As always, God bless!

The Song that Explains it All

We had some good news and some bad news on a cold November morn
The test confirmed that we were parents, but there was something more
Our little girl had complications, and we were frightened as could be
But we decided to go walking down the road of bittersweet

The next nine months we grew together, somehow closer than before
And our faith began to blossom into something more
We would hold each other close and pray, then cry ourselves to sleep
We knew that God was walking with us down the road of bittersweet

Jesus, take my hand and walk beside me
And make my footsteps firm beneath my feet
I know You’ve gone this way before so guide me
I’m not alone as I go walking down the road of bittersweet

The room was filled with apprehension on the day that she was born
But when I took her in my arms I knew there was so much more
There was a bond of love between us, and I was never more complete
I never knew I’d find such blessing down the road of bittersweet

The doctor said we may not have much time before we’d have to part
So I treasure every moment deep within my heart
Soon we’ll have a little angel, praying for our family
I’m just glad I got to meet her down the road of bittersweet

Jesus, take my hand and walk beside me
And make my footsteps firm beneath my feet
I know You’ve gone this way before so guide me
I’m not alone as I go walking down the road
I’m not alone as I go walking down the road
I’m not alone as I go walking down the road of bittersweet

Lyrics by Karl Kohlhase

In Stella's name

     We have done a few things in Stella's name, in her honor all ready.  Jordec started a group two months before Stella was due, in May, to get people moving.  He titled it "100 Miles for Stella".  We asked family, friend, aquantances, and strangers to move 100 miles in those two months until Stella was born.  People could move in any way thay wanted to, as long as they got at least 100 miles.  Jordec put his heart into it and did about 600 miles himself.  Lots of people jumped on board and the event spread.  Our goal, which we thought was lofty, was to get enough miles to go around the world, 24,901 miles.  We weren't sure we were going to make it.  We had people start their workout routine with the motivation from Stella.  Families came together on nightly walks and loved each other more and more.  It has been amazing to see all of the lives that were touched by our sweet angel, Stella Sue. 
     Our next event, to run a 1/2 marathon in Stella's honor and to raise money for the March of Dimes.  We want to raise awareness of birth defects and their impact on people's lives as well. This is a stretch for me as I am not a runner but I know that I will do my best for Stella.  I want to make her proud of me.  I love seeing the impact that she has and will make on people.  She has been a force in life and will continue to do so as long as someone remembers her.  I don't think we have to worry about people forgetting her when they are training for this marathon and who knows what else we will do in the future. 
     Thank you to all that are running with us and thank you to all that will donate.  Remember Stella Sue!  God bless!

Stella's Story Part 2: Bad News

     We were so excited on our trip to the doctor.  I couldn't wait to see if we were going to have a girl or another boy.  I was watching our baby niece that day and so we took her along with us.  Jordec, Eliot and I all waited patently until they called my name.  We went in the room and got ready to check out the baby.  The woman asked if we wanted to find out the sex and we said yes!  She told us we were going to have a girl.  We were so excited!  I remember saying that my family was right and that she was our little Stella Sue.  The woman the proceeded to do the body and organ check on Stella.  She said everything looked good.  Then she started pushing really hard on my stomach and it hurt.  I told her that and she said sorry but then kept doing it.  That should have tipped me off but it didn't at the time.  I had been worried about her organs but I was assured that they were all in working order.  The woman then said that she was having a hard time seeing the top of the baby's head.  I remember thinking that it was a weird thing for her to say.  I thought that maybe she was just sitting too low in my pelvis.  The woman printed a few pictures then said she was going to talk with the doctor about the head.  We went out into the waiting room and tried to decide if we should be worried.  The nurse called our name right away and we were ushered into a conference room.  I knew that it was not good when I wasn't in an exam room. 
     We sat down at the table with our sleeping niece in the car seat between us and Eliot on my lap.  I noticed that the only thing on the table was a box of tissues.  The doctor sat down, looked at us and said, "It's not good.".   She then told us that the lab tech couldn't see the top of Stella's head and that meant that she didn't have a brain.  I remember being so confused.  I told her that I feel Stella moving all of the time and surely you can't move without a brain.  I guess you can in the womb.  My body was acting as Stella's brain as long as she was in the womb.  The only part that formed was the brain stem.  The top of her head didn't form.  This all happened in the fourth week of pregnancy, before we even knew that we were pregnant.  This is called anencephaly and there was nothing that could be done, she said.  Anencephaly is incompatible with life, so our Stella would die, she just didn't know when.  I lost it then.  I cried harder than I had ever cried at that point in my life.  Eliot got very worried about me and Jordec who was crying too, our niece was still sleeping.  Some nurses took Eliot into the hallway and gave him candy to keep him occupied for us.  The doctors told us how sorry they were and they cried with us.  I just couldn't stop hugging my belly and crying.  I was in such disbelief.  I hurt so badly and just wanted to be anywhere else.  One of my first thoughts was that I wished she could have just miscarried early on so I wouldn't have had the time to bond, or the decision that was given to us to terminate or continue.  To us it wasn't a choice because we weren't going to stop her life, that was God's decision to make.  I quickly pushed that thought out of my head because clearly that was not God's plan for Stella or for us.  We were meant to go through this for some reason and so I clung to that thought. 
     We left there in tears, with our sunglasses covering them up, and an appointment for a specialist to do another, more thorough ultrasound the next morning.  I did my best to keep it cool while we went to drop our niece off with her Mom.  We got there and as soon as I tried to talk, I lost it again.  I couldn't form words and I just kept crying and hugging my belly.  I just wanted her to be okay but there was nothing I could do.  The feeling of helplessness was overwhelming.  We stayed there a bit to get our bearings and then headed home.  Jordec called his family on the way home and I had to listen to him repeat over and over that our Stella was going to die.  Once again, I tried to keep it together on the way home for our safety as I was driving.  I almost made it but about 6 blocks away, I lost it again.  I couldn't breathe it was such an heavy emotion.  I kept breathing quickly and sobbing.  We got home and I got myself composed enough to call my Mom.  She was at my Grandparents so after I told her, she told them and they started praying right away.  My Mom said she would be down that day, as soon as she could.  My Mom and Step-Dad were here a few hours later.  In the meantime I had called my cousin who lives in town and she came over, along with her husband and three kids to help distract us.  It was nice to think about something else for awhile.  I cried off and on that evening but my appetite was gone.  I didn't eat until the next day, I just didn't care enough as my emotions were so overpowering of any other urge in me.  I went to go to bed and just laid there in the quiet and I lost it again.  All I could do was think about losing my daughter and I didn't want to.  I just wanted God to take it away from me because it hurt too much.  I went out to the living room and sat and cried with my Mom until I got so tired that I could finally sleep. 
     I will write more about finding out the bad news another time.  This was all that I could handle tonight.  Thank you for being there and God bless!       

Wonderful Day

    My day today was wonderful! I had a great time playing with Eliot.  We were both in great moods and I got to see my baby niece tonight.  It was such a joy to see Eliot and her interact with each other.  Eliot told me tonight that he wants Mommy and Daddy to have another baby girl for him to play with.  I think we will be able to do that someday but not yet. 
    I wanted to write Stella's Story Part 2: Bad News but I was having such a wonderful day that I don't want to relive all of that right now.  Maybe tomorrow or the next day I will be able to sit down with some time and remember those hard few days.  Right now, I am going to go to bed with a smile on my face and remember the happy memories only!  God bless!

Poem for Stella

Stella Sue, you made yourself known right from the start

With strong movements full of heart

Each kick, punch, and roll were full of bliss

Every day you were given love and a kiss

No moment of pregnancy was too small

We were blessed with them and cherished them all

Soon your time to arrive was near

We were excited and anxious to have you here

Our sweet baby girl, heaven sent

We looked upon you with wonderment

Ten fingers, ten toes

And a precious little Wiese nose

Round, soft lips and cheeks

We could have stared at for weeks

Your will was so strong

But your life was not long

You were here on loan to us

But it was time to go home to Jesus

The short life you lived was full of love

From here on earth and from heaven above

Daughter, you will live on forever in our hearts

And in spirit we will never be apart

In our family we will hold your place

Until we again see your beautiful face     

Stella's Story Part 1: Conception

    Don't worry.  I won't talk about the actual conception but more about the events in our life surrounding the timing of Stella's conception.  Since I believe life begins at conception, that's where Stella's story has to start.  Jordec and I had been talking about having another baby for awhile but we weren't sure when to start trying.  Eliot was such a wonderful surprise for us that it seems odd to schedule time to make a baby.  We started trying and in the second month, we were pregnant.  I told Jordec that apparently all we had to do was look at each other and I would get pregnant.  We were so worried that it would take forever the second time around.  I guess God knows better.  With Eliot, I knew I was pregnant before I took the home test.  With Stella, I thought for sure that I wasn't pregnant.  I think it was the aspect that we were trying so therefore it must be harder to conceive.  Well, I took the home test on the day after Thanksgiving.  We were having Jordec's family over to celebrate Thanksgiving and I wanted to do it before they arrived.  I couldn't wait any longer.  I had already taken one a few days before that but that one was negative.  I expected this one to be negative too.  When I saw the double blue line, I was so excited!  I ran back to bed and told Jordec that he was going to be a Daddy again.  We were both so happy.  We discussed whether we should tell his family that day or not and we decided that we would.  We believed that no matter what happened, miscarriage or another problem, that we would tell our family about that too so there was no reason to keep anything secret.  They were so excited for us.  I told my parents but I waited until Christmas to tell the rest of my family as that would be the first time that I would be seeing them.  We wrote in their Christmas cards that we were expecting again.  Then we waited for them to open their cards.  Some people opened theirs right away and gave us hugs and lots of congratulations.  Other people put their cards away for later and then started getting confused at what the fuss was about.  I told them they better go read their cards!  They did and we were all so happy! 
    The next few months were fairly uneventful.  I had been feeling great until right about Christmas time.  Then I started having food aversions where nothing was appealing and some foods made me nauseous.  I always had to have some food in my stomach so I carried cereal with me wherever I went.  The nausea only lasted for about a month or so but the food aversions lasted throughout the pregnancy.  I am just now loving pasta again.  I rarely had it during the pregnancy, which is odd because it is my favorite.  Eliot started to understand that we had a baby in my belly as soon as I started showing.  He would always change his mind when we would ask if he thought it was going to be a boy or a girl.  He would usually say girl and sister but sometimes it was boy and brother.  Other times, Eliot would say that he wanted a girl brother, or a boy sister.  I can see how gender would be a confusing concept for a toddler though, so I'd say he did pretty good for a two year old. 
    The doctor visits had been going wonderfully and I was growing right on schedule.  My weight was staying under control and I passed the diabetes test.  Eliot would come with me to the appointments and he loved sitting in the chair with his drink and special treat.  The doctor would lube up my belly and move the wand to find the baby's heartbeat.  Eliot's eyes would get so big when he heard the heartbeat.  He would stare at my belly and he would talk about it for the rest of the day.  He also learned that he got a sucker at the end of each visit so he started to love going to the doctor for the baby.
    I worked on Eliot's bedroom to make some space to accommodate our new arrival.  I tend to do things early and I get paranoid that I am going to run out of time.  I must have tried a few different set ups of the furniture before I figured out which one I liked.  I had unpacked all of our gender neutral clothes for newborns and I couldn't wait to find out what we were having so I would know if I needed to buy girl's clothes or get out Eliot's old boy clothes.  I must have folded and re-folded those clothes a dozen times and I configured the bedroom. 
    Twenty-two weeks was the magic number for us to find out the sex of the baby.  It was coming fast and we were so excited.   We tried to wait as patiently as possible until April 5th.  We had our Dad's Day celebration the weekend before.  That is a family get-together where we remember my father who passed away when I was five.  I had such a great time with my family.  We talked about the baby and what gender everyone thought it would be.  Everyone guessed girl.  I guess they were all right.  I didn't want to guess.  I wanted to be happy with either gender.  The Tuesday after that weekend was the day that changed our lives but at that time, we were a happy family who was so blissful about our precious baby.  We had no idea what was coming.   

Girls Night

    I had a great night with my girls tonight.  It was great to just have a fun night and not have any heavy emotions weighing me down.  Thank you girls!  I also realized the future relationship that I will be missing with Stella but I am okay.  That emotion didn't knock me over.  It was just a quick realization and then I moved on. 
     I want to make sure that our whole story gets told.  I want people to know what we have all been through so that we can help others if they need it.  Part 1 of Stella's story starts tomorrow.  By posting our whole story I will be able to remember it and have a written down history of what happened with our darling daughter.  I love you baby girl!  God bless!

Down Day

     I had a down day today.  For no particular reason I just lacked motivation to do anything today.  I even had to make myself eat.  I wasn't sad, but just apethetic about anything.  I had some anger, but not directed towards anything.  It was more of a short fuse than anything and I was easily irritable today.  I don't have these days very often but they sure drain the energy out of me.  I distracted my thoughts today which helped my mood a bit and gave me some patience with Eliot but that came in short bursts only.  I really don't like these days as it makes for a wasteful day.  Nothing gets done on these days and I don't like that waste.  I don't really have much else to say.  That is also the nature of a day like today, I don't feel like talking much.  What gives me some contentment is knowing that tomorrow will be better.  That is grief, everyday is different.  Sometimes good, sometimes bad, and like today, sometimes you just have to get through to tomorrow.  Prayers for all of you out there and please pray for me too.  God bless!

Meeting a New Baby

    Today we visited my friend who recently had a new baby.  My friend is doing wonderfully and so is the little one.  I was really worried about what emotions would come up in seeing her little girl for the first time.  I have been around other babies but not a newborn since Stella has passed.  As in a previous blog, I already had many feelings arise concerning my friend's new baby girl.  So, when we go there today, I was concerned and took it slow.  I wanted to see how my friend was doing first as the moms sometimes get forgotten about when everyone goes straight for the baby.  So I caught up with my friend and then went to see her darling daughter. 
    I do not know what I was so worried about.  Yes I had some emotions come up that I was expecting but not nearly to the degree that I thought they would be.  It was such a joy to see the little bundle in a pretty dress that I helped pick out and to hold her close.  I was so happy for my friends and their precious girl, and big brother too.  I did have some emotions of missing Stella and wishing we could have had the same thing with her but they were fleeting and not too bad.  I was worried that I would somehow want her little girl for my own and luckily that feeling didn't occur at all.  I knew this was not Stella and I had no emotions otherwise.  Holding her daughter just made me want Stella.  This made me happy as I was concerned that I would feel that having another child our self would make me feel like we were replacing Stella.  Now I think that won't happen with us.  I know that I will always want Stella.  She is our daughter in her own right and can never be replaced.  I'm glad that is the feeling I had but I wasn't sure.  You never know with grief how you will react. 
    I think the hardest part for me was watching my friend with her daughter.  To see my friend be able to take care of her, feed her, and calm her down the only way a mother can, is what I wish I could have had with Stella but didn't have enough time to experience.  I yearn for that with Stella.  I wanted and still want more time with her.  I know that I can't and it makes it difficult but I feel that today was a big step in my journey to wanting another child.  We will always have the fear that our next child could have Anencephaly as well, as our chances are increased.  I also know that any child of ours will be loved however long they are here on this earth with us and that we must trust in God.  I trust in you God to be with us as we travel on our path that you have set out for us.  Trust in God for you own paths in life and you will be rewarded!  God bless!

Everyday

    We celebrated Eliot's birthday by going to the Children's Museum and taking him to his first movie "Puss in Boots".  He behaved so well while playing at the museum and he sat quietly during the movie.  He wanted to watch another one right away! We even went out for ice cream after the movie since he behaved so well all day. 
     Stella is never far from our thoughts but we were reminded of her death again today.  As we were entering the Children's Museum we had to show our membership card.  The woman asked, "Are all 4 of you here today?".  Of course Stella is not here, so it was yet another reminder that she is not with us.  When we signed up for the membership we knew that we were pregnant but we had not yet found out about Stella's diagnosis, so we put down two kids.  Now, whenever we go to the Children's Zoo or Museum and see those membership cards with 2 kids on them, we remember Stella and our loss of her potential future.  Another blow to us was that there was a baby there who couldn't have been more than a few weeks old.  I found myself starring at him and I had to make myself look away when the parents noticed me looking.  I just kept remembering Stella in my arms and I longed for her. 
     I sucked up my emotions for today because it was Eliot's birthday.  I faked a happy smile until it no longer needed to be faked and I started enjoying myself again.  It worked for a while until I started to get a migraine.  I think the combo of not getting good sleep last night (Eliot woke up with nightmares) and suppressing my emotions caused the migraine to manifest itself.  I ended up in pain during the movie and missed most of it covering my eyes and plugging my ears.  I'm not sure what this means because I know that I did the right thing.  I have a son here that I need to focus on too and he deserved his special birthday treats.  On the other hand, one small thing snowballed into other emotions which moved on to physical pain.  Any other day and maybe we would have gone home   instead of continuing on with our day.  I know that expressing emotions when you feel them takes away some of their power, just like me writing this blog helps relieve myself of some of the sting of the emotions.  Again, I think that there is a time and place for them.  We must think about ourselves to get through our grief but not to the point of being selfish and hurting others.  I think that is best determined by ourselves and our own ethical decisions of when is appropriate and not appropriate to express those emotions.  I still haven't figured this part out very well.  It is a work in progress just like the rest of my grieving.  It is a part of me that I work on everyday.  To express or not to express?  That is the question.  God bless!

Eliot's 3rd Birthday!

    Eliot is turning three.  It is hard to believe that he is three but yet I feel that somehow he should be older.  Those of you that know Eliot know what I am talking about.  He acts much older than he is and he has been through more that a lot of three year old's.  The amazing way that he communicates about Stella shows me that he is mature beyond his years.  Today was such an amazing example of how grown up he can act.  He behaved so well all day and, for the second day in a row, we had a blast together and I really could appreciated what a wonderful boy he is.  I was in the moment with him again today and I want these days to continue. 
     I feel that Stella was with us today as we were having a great time and that it was partly because of her.  Thank you for that Stella!  We wish you were here with us but I will take your heavenly influence on my life any day of the week!  Feel free to give me more days like today.  I love you so much little girl.  I know that I miss you but that, at least for today, I am happy that you are in heaven and not suffering here on earth or that we are not suffering while watching you struggle with life.  It was hard when you struggled for breath in the last moments of your life.  I am thankful that you are done with that and that you are at peace.  I hope to find my own peace and contentment while I live out my life here on earth.  Until we meet again, precious daughter!  Mommy loves you!
     If you have great hope and desire for peace and I believe that it will come to you.  Patience really is a virtue and it is one that we can practice.  Today I was in a positive place where I could practice that patience and I truly believe that was one of the reasons that my day was so wonderful.  My patience with Eliot allowed for both of us to be in better moods.  Small things that we can do every day can make big differences in our life.  It is hard to make big changes and it is hard to fix the big picture but we can change it one frame at a time and in turn the whole movie can be changed.  Grief is like that.  It can be so overwhelming to deal with but if we can focus on one small aspect of it at a time, then grief can be something that we can work with.  My small piece that I am working on right now is my patience.  Since all emotions are heightened during grief, patience can be a great asset in dealing with any other emotion.  I know it helped me today.  Pick something small and stick with it for awhile and see if it helps you.  Maybe it is to get 8 hours of sleep.  Maybe it is to make sure to brush your teeth every day.  It may sound silly to some, but when you are in deep grief it is hard to remember to do normal everyday things.  Right after we found out about Stella's diagnosis, I couldn't seem to remember to eat.  If my husband and family weren't here to remind me, I might not have eaten for days.  So pick something, anything, and take it one day at a time.  I can do it.  You can do it.  God bless!
       

Peaceful Days

"Do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart”

     I had such a wonderful day with Eliot.  I really enjoyed living in the moment with him and I was able to think of Stella's death in a positive way today.  We played silly games and he helped me around the house.  I even had enough patience to let him do things his way, which always takes twice as long.  I just loved being in the moment with him and not being distracted by negative thoughts.  I love days like this! 
     Even though it can be extremely frustrating, it is nice to know that every day can be different when it comes to your grief.  Today was wonderful, yesterday was mediocre, and who knows what tomorrow will bring.  All that we can do is deal with the days as they come.  It is true when people say that grief is like trying to keep your head above water.  On those days when the emotions are too much, then it is all I can do to just make it through.  On the days like today, I can hold on to the positive feelings and try to push them into tomorrow.  I am trying to use mind over matter on my bad days.  I like the idea that if you want to be positive, or happy, that all you need to do is to act that way.  I'm not sure how that will go but I am willing to give it a try.  I don't think that it could make it hurt any more than it does on those bad days. 
     Also, I am really trying to focus more on myself.  I know that if I am getting good rest, some exercise, and eating decent, then I will be a happier person because my physical body will feel better.  I am working on doing things that I want to do to bring some fun into my life.  It is hard for me to do things.  I would much rather stay at home most of the time but I know that if I go out then I get a boost of energy.  If I go out with other people, then I really get energized.  It is things like these that I am working on.  Even though I just started, this blog has been helpful to me already.  I like knowing that I could be potentially helping someone else.  It is also helpful for me to get all of these thoughts and emotions out of my head.  I never thought they were bothering me or weighing me down but after a day like today, I have to wonder if they were slowly poisoning me.  I can't wait for more days like today!  I hope tomorrow is just as good.  Who knows? Maybe tomorrow will be even better!  God bless!