Quotes for Survival

These are some quotes that helped me while I was still pregnant with Stella to deal with her impending death.  They helped me to press on through the days with faith, hope, and love.  I hope they can be helpful to you and others.  I don't know the author of these, I got them from a website that didn't have them listed. God bless!

“Don’t cry because it’s over.  Smile because it happened.”

“Life is not about how many breaths you take, but about the moments that take your breath away.”

“I once held an angel in my arms, now I hold her in my heart.”

“A daughter is a beautiful reflection of God’s grace and love.”

“Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you.”

“Faith is when you close your eyes and open your heart.”

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.”

“God’s little princess.”

“When God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.”

“Spirit is the essence of who we are.”

“A sister is a gift to the heart”

“It is because we are different that each of us is special.”

“I avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward.”

“Faith is brightness in the midst of darkness.”

“Behold, children are a gift of the Lord.”

(ONE OF MY FAVORITES!)   -

"Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God.
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God."

“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him.  So now I give her to the Lord”

“When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.”

(ANOTHER FAVORITE)  -  “There is sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.”

"Missing someone gets easier everyday because even though you are one day further from the last time you saw them, you are one day closer to the next time you will."

“From the moment I saw you, my heart opened up to even more love.”

“Daddy, a daughter’s first love.”

“My finger may be tiny but I can still wrap my Daddy around it.”

“Always on our minds; Forever in our hearts”

(ANOTHER FAVORITE) - "God gave the most precious gift to me~ As He did so he whispered so tenderly, "This child I give you is not yours to keep, When I call her Home, please do not weep.  For I will take her by the hand, across my bridge of love, Together we will fly to my Golden Gates above, Where she can play in the sand, as soft as a sigh, The sun will always shine on her, in a summer blue sky, Her playmates will be Angels with gossamer wings, Her own spiritual mother, a sweet lullaby she sings, I'll welcome home, this child, so precious in my sight, She'll be safe at last, a child of Gods light.  So do not grieve when the time comes, she's forever in my care, Behind Heavens Doorway, she will wait for you there.”

"Sometimes love is for a moment. Sometimes love is for a lifetime. Sometimes a moment is a lifetime"

“I held you in my arms for 2 hours, now I hold you in my heart forever.”

"Be happy for this moment... this moment is your life."

“To live in hearts we leave behind, Is not to die”

April 5th

        April 5^th, no longer just my nephew's birthday but a date that will hold hard memories.  That is the date we found out that our daughter, Stella, was going to die.  It will forever be a date where we hold our breath and remember.  I have already gone over the emotions of that day in a previous blog but what I have not gone over were some of the crazy thoughts that went through my head.  It is really hard for me to admit these thoughts but I want others to know that irrational thoughts can be normal and they are not something to be ashamed of.  After we were told that she would die and we were driving home processing the information, I had thoughts about why she was still alive?  Why couldn’t she have just died early on and then I wouldn’t have to deal with all of this?  I thought that a miscarriage would have been so much easier and I had a fleeting wish for her to just die right then so I wouldn’t have to deal with the upcoming uncertain months.  I was also upset that we had found out about Stella’s anencephaly and I wished that we could have not known so that we could have lived in ignorant bliss.  These thoughts didn’t last very long, just the trip home, a mere 15 minutes.  I haven’t shared them with many people because I was ashamed of them.  It never crossed my mind to even contemplate an abortion/termination and yet I had wished for her to die.  I immediately asked for forgiveness and then I moved on, the shame gone.  I know now that these thoughts were just my way of starting the grief process.  It was a way of being in denial, or wanting to be, and of being angry and not wanting to be in the situation.  By owning up to these thoughts to a few people right away, and asking for forgiveness, I was able to move past them, not dwell on them, and continue the pregnancy with joy and faithfulness in my heart.         
     God truly has a plan and He planned for Stella to be with us full-term and to affect many people with her short life.  Now, I couldn’t imagine her dying right after we found out because I needed all of that time to get physical things ready to mother her and to also get my emotions ready to mother her during her short life.  I wouldn’t take back the two hours of life we had with her for any comfort on my part.  Jesus was holding me in His hands the whole time and He is the reason for any strength that I had during the process.  During my recent hour of adoration with the Eucharist, I looked back at the moment that Stella passed away and I wondered how I held it together.  I cried but only for a moment.  How did I smile after that?  How did I not cry out and be angry?  How did I have the strength to continue on that day?  The answer came to me, shouting in my head, it was because Jesus was with me.  It was because He was holding me, just as I was holding Stella.  He was loving His daughter as I was loving mine.  With Easter just a few days away, I can empathize and relate with Mary.  How amazing is she?  She knew that her child was going to die when she was pregnant and she watched Him suffer on the cross and die.  What faith and trust she had and yet she grieved.  That is a good example for me, I can have all the faith and trust in Jesus but yet it is okay to grieve, to be sad, and to miss our beloved.  Thank you Jesus, for carrying me through Stella’s death.  Thank you Jesus, for dying for my sins and for saving me so that I may one day join Stella in heaven with You.  Thank you, for everything.

Stella's footprints!





Stella's hand prints!



I felt like sharing Stella's hand prints and footprints with everyone.  I enjoy seeing these physical 'imprint' on this world.  It is amazing that over 8 months have gone by already.  I feel myself healing and that gives me mixed emotions.  While I am thankful that I am able to have happy memories and to move forward with living, I am also saddened that I am not as present with my thoughts about Stella.  Just today I realized, at 9:30pm, that I had not thought about Stella all day.  She was always with me, that was for sure but I didn't actively think or dwell on thoughts of her.  I know that this is a good thing and that it means that I am healing.  I am thankful for that.  I know that Stella wants that for me.  It is still hard not to feel a bit guilty or feel that I am forgetting about her.  I know that it is not true but you can't stop your feelings.  I didn't cry about it, it just hit me for a minute and then I moved on.  I am just so proud to be Stella's Mommy and that is the heart of it all!  I love you daughter!  God's blessings to all of you out there struggling with your own grief.  My prayers are with you.  Thanks to everyone who has supported us and continues to help us in living with our grief.  You will be rewarded in heaven.  -Bridget



Stella's Headstone

Stella's headstone is picked out, designed, and paid for.  We are awaiting delivery to the cemetery and it should be there well before Memorial Day.  A headstone is such a weird thing to shop for.  It is hard to think of all of the things that you want to be there, forever.  We had a lot of clip art that we wanted to put on it but we ended up keeping it simple due to space, money, and mostly we wanted to keep it uncluttered.  It was a fairly easy decision, surprisingly.  Jordec and I were on the same page about what we wanted and when I wanted to go crazy with the designs, Jordec was right there to reel me in and remind me what really mattered.  We have one quote, one clip art, Stella's name/birth date/daughter of, and then we had a medallion from NORS (the organ donation place) embedded on it.  We chose black stone and we are going to have a vase permanently with it.  It is a small stone, which is fitting considering how small Stella was!  It is only 1 1/2 inches longer than Stella was! 
It feels like that was the last decision we had to make regarding Stella's life.  It feels like a good complete, not a sad one.  I am happy that we can put all of that behind us and just remember her in happy ways.  I haven't blogged in a while and I think that is because I am happy.  I have been remembering her often and in happy ways.  She is still a part of our everyday lives and we talk about her all of the time.  I think that I have entered that stage of acceptance.  My next issue is if/when we get pregnant again.  I am worried about the feelings I will have and of what will happen.  I am no longer ignorant of the problems that can arise during pregnancies.  The reality is that anything can happen.  I guess we will just have to wait and see when/if that time comes.  God Bless!  Have a wonderful Easter!  Remember that Jesus is our Savior and that He loves us just as we are.  Give praise to Him!

Taxes and Everyday Reminders

     We did our taxes the yesterday and I was really anxious of how they were going to handle Stella.  They handled the situation politely and without a lot of questions, which was nice for a change.  They knew right what to do and didn't make a big deal out of it.  We knew that since Stella was born alive, which meant that she had a birth certificate, and that we had a social security number for her, that she would be counted as our dependant for last year.  We just weren't sure how to fill out the paper work.  They had us write her down as living with us for last year as our dependent.  I was surprised at how happy that made me.  I felt that Stella was validated by the world. It was a great feeling to write down her name, birthday and daughter under the relationship status section.  It also made me sad for all of those people that carried their child to full-term only to have a stillborn.  How sad for them to not have their child validated as Stella was.  Another reason that I am thankful for all that we had and have with Stella. 
      I have so many daily reminders of losing Stella and the whole situation.  First off, I have to take extra pills everyday.  Those pills are a reminder to me of my body 'failing' me.  Don't get me wrong, I don't blame my body for Stella's condition.  I know that there were many, many factors that had to come together to have that happen.  However, I still can't help but be reminded that something as small as a little pill could have made a difference.  Of course, there is no way to know if they would have helped or not but I take them to potentially help out if/when we get pregnant again.  It is just not a good feeling to have to take more pills but I suppose that it is a small thing to do in the long haul of it all.  Taking those pills also reminds me that it could happen again.  I know that I could go through it again if I had to because I have already done it once.  I can't help wondering how it will affect other aspects of my life though, like my marriage and friendships.  Things have shifted a little in these areas since Stella.  They are not worse but different.  Stella's death put a strain on my relationships in general because everything is always related back to Stella in my mind.  I think that I have gotten closer to some friends and farther away from others.  Jordec and I are overall closer but also farther apart at times.  We both live in solitude sometimes.  I think that is good, at least for me.  Sometimes I need to work out stuff in my head about how I am feeling before I talk about it or act on it. 
     Another reminder that I have is the discoloration mark on my arm from when they tried to start an IV.  Yes, over 6 months later, it is still slightly there.  I am actually looking to get a tattoo there to honor Stella.  I have a few ideas for that one but not a final draft yet.  I am looking to incorporate a star and a flower somehow.  I also still sleep with the blanket Stella used in the hospital.  I feel comfort in just holding it.  I know that I will one day stop doing that but I just can't do it yet. 
     These reminders are not sad, they are just present every day.  I don't want to forget Stella but some days I just want to get away from thinking about it.  I can't do that at all with these reminders.  I know that getting away from it won't make me better, but a break from time to time would be nice.  I need the breather!  Prayers to those out there going through their own grief.  God bless!
~Stella's Mommy~ 

Stella’s Story Part 6: Birth Day - Celebration

       After Stella had passed, we had sent everyone out of the room to have some alone time with her.  After a bit, we opened the doors and everyone flooded into the room.  It seemed that everyone couldn’t wait to see Stella some more and have their chance to hold her.  The first thing that we did is to have a photo shoot.  We were going to donate Stella’s liver so therefore we had one hour after she passed to be with her.  Then she would have to go get her operation done.  We didn’t know if the operation would change her appearance so we wanted to take lots of pictures right away.  Stella had started to turn a bit blue when she was struggling for oxygen before she passed.  After she died, her color actually started going back to normal.  The nurses were confused.  They said that it was not normal and that usually the color would stay bluish.  It was one of many small miracles that happened that day.  Having her for two hours instead of mere minutes was another one.  Angel, our NILMDTS photographer, got many nice pictures of Stella and us.  My cousin also took many pictures for us.  She got lots of great pictures of Stella, Stella with people and the behind the scenes shots of the day. The whole day was captured in pictures.  We put on Stella’s cute while dress and bonnet and she looked like a little angel.  We took pictures with her in her special blankets and with special items, the bonnet I wore when I was little, the bracelet that we had made for her, etc.  A few select people got to hold Stella before her operation, her Godparents, her Grandparents, but the first was her Great-Grandma Schaecher who made the trek down to see her.  I was so proud to show her off to my Grandma and she seemed so excited to hold Stella.  It was so special to have a four generation picture taken.  It is even more special now that my Grandma has passed away.  The last thing that we did before she left for her operation was to get her footprints and handprints done.  Her feet and hands were so big.  Her feet were long and skinny with long and skinny toes.  Her hands were also big with long and skinny fingers.  The nurses also did impressions of her hands and feet.  It was great of them to have those kits there and to do that for us. 

We met with the doctors that were going to do Stella’s operation, we gave her kisses good-bye and then they took her away for awhile.  Angel had to leave during the break so my cousin continued and took over as our main photographer.  We had some down time for about two hours while they did the operation and recovered her liver.  We talked with the doctor after and he told us that everything went well and that she did a good job.  I was so proud of her.  I know that is an odd feeling, but I was so proud of her to be generous.  I loved her more than ever.  After she came back, she looked just the same.  Her color was great and she was beautiful.  She was a bit stiff and cold but we expected that.  We had the nurses wrap her in warm blankets and then everyone got their turn to hold her.  Eliot was first.  He opened his present from Eliot, a special blanket that I made with my Mom that said Eliot and Stella on it with a heart.  Eliot was in much better spirits at this point and he couldn’t get enough of her.  He wanted to look at every part of her and touch her all over.  He sat next to me and we put Stella’s hand around his finger and her gave her kisses over and over again.  He also blew raspberries on her cheeks, which was so adorable.  He had on his I’m a Big Brother shirt and pin and was willing to show it off to anyone who would pay attention to him.  We would ask him if he was done holding her and he would say no.  Then we would ask if he wanted to hold her for a little bit or a long time and he would say long time.  Even when he said he was done, he would come back later and want to hold her again and again.  I couldn’t have asked for a better behaved two year old on that day. 

It was great to see everyone so excited to hold her and have their turn to meet her properly.  There was so much love in the room that it was amazing.  Fr. Connor came back to visit with us and we took some pictures with the baptismal party.  Father said he could feel the love in the room and he was reminded of the song “In this very room”.  He sang a few bars but none of us knew the song.  Now it is one of my favorites and it always takes me back to that part of the day and I can feel the love all over again.  At one point, some representatives from NORS, the organ donation place, came in and gave us special bears for us to keep to represent Stella being a hero by donating.  That was very special.  We kept one, gave one to each set of grandparents, Stella’s great-grandma and Eliot.  Everyone was honored to have one.  At one point, Stella’s incision site seemed to be leaking so they were going to change her outfit and diaper.  We had them keep they diaper but as the nurse started to do it, my sister-in-law jumped right in to help.  Because of that, she is the only one to get to change Stella’s diaper.  I love the pictures of this, my sister-in-law has a wonderful smile on her face and is looking on Stella with so much love.  They are some of my favorite pictures. We had lots of visitors and lots of people who got to hold Stella.  Stella had bright red lips, I’m not sure why, but Eliot thought they were very cool and he tried to use his sucker like lipstick to make his lips just as red as Stella’s. 

       Before we knew it, we had Stella in our life for almost 12 hours.  We knew that the sooner we got her to a funeral home, the better for her visitation and funeral.  We prepared to let her go, physically.  Jordec took her on a ride in the bassinet while Eliot and his cousin helped pull.  He took her to the waiting room where everyone else was and then we slowly undressed her to take in all of her parts one last time. I was nervous about seeing the dressing for her incision site but it wasn’t scary at all.  I even had the nurse take off her diaper so that I could see her little tushie.  I wanted to see all of her one last time.  I took off the clothes that I wanted to keep and then I had them put on a new hat to take with her.  They cut off her hospital bracelets and snipped some locks of hair for us too.  The funeral home director came to get her and we said our last goodbyes.  I knew that we would never get to hold her again.  I knew this was the end of our time with her.  I cry right now just thinking of that moment.  It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, to let her go.  We took some private time with her and I told her all of the things that I would ever want to tell her.  I told her how much I was going to miss her and that we loved her so much.  I told her to say hello to my Dad and all of the other family in heaven with her.  I told her how we were going to miss so many things and that we wanted her to watch out for us and for Eliot.  I thanked her for fighting to stay with us for two hours and told her that we were proud of her for her fight and for being so brave.  We wanted to say everything that we could think of at that moment so there would be no regrets.  I know that I said everything that I wanted to.  The funeral director came back and took Stella away.  It was just as my Mom said it would be.  We said what we could to Stella and then after she was gone, I cried harder than I had ever cried in my entire life.  Jordec and I cried and held each other and then cried more.  I couldn’t believe that she was really gone.  I couldn’t even hold her anymore, she was truly gone.  After we cried for awhile, we opened the door and people poured in to stay with us for a bit longer.  After everyone left, Jordec crawled into bed with me again and we cried and talked for a long time.  Eventually we were just exhausted and we went to bed.  God bless.

After Six Months

     Stella's six month heaven anniversary was harder for me that I thought it would be.  I woke up thinking of her and she was on my mind all day.  At church, two of the songs that were sung were from her funeral service.  I tried to sing the first one and couldn't.  It was all I could do to not openly weep during church.  Then the last song was another one.  I busied my self putting Eliot's church toys away to distract myself from crying.  I was just missing her so much already and those songs brought me back to her funeral.  I thought about how hard it was to let her go and especially to watch them close the casket knowing I would never see her in the flesh again.  We lit a candle for Stella and said a quick prayer after church.  Fr. Connor had mass and he greeted us as we left, shook our hands and asked how the Cramer's were doing.  Then he said, "Happy 6 months".  I was so touched that he remembered.  We are part of a large parish and it made me realize how much Stella had impacted him as well.  After that, I lost it.  I couldn't contain my tears and they started before we were out of church.  I cried all the way home and then some more.  Jordec, Eliot and I hugged and we just missed Stella. 
     Our friends came over later on and we had a great time just being in the company of each other.  Two of the kids that came made beautiful flowers for Stella on her half birthday.  We received a few cards too that just helped us realize how much Stella is remembered and thought about.  That is all we could ever ask and hope for.  Thank you to all who remembered us on her six months and on the other days as well.

Blest Are They

Blest are they, the poor in spirit; theirs is the kingdom of God.

Blest are they, full of sorrow; they shall be consoled.

Refrain: Rejoice, and be glad! Blessed are you, holy are you!

Rejoice and be glad! Yours is the kingdom of God!

Blest are they, the lowly ones: they shall inherit the earth.

Blest are they, who hunger and thirst; they shall have their fill.

Blest are they, who show mercy; mercy shall be theirs.

Blest are they, the pure of heart; they shall see God!

Blest are they, who seek peace; they are the children of God.

Blest are they who suffer in faith; the glory of God is theirs.

Blest are you, who suffer hate, all because of me.

Rejoice and be glad, yours is the kingdom of God; shine for all to see.

City of God

Awake from your slumber! Arise from your sleep!
A new day is dawning for all those who weep.
The people in darkness have seen a great light.
The Lord of our longing has conquered the night.

Refrain: Let us build the city of God.
May our tears be turned into dancing.
For the Lord our light and our love has turned the night into day.

We are sons of the morning; we are daughters of day.
The One who has loved us has brightened our way.
The Lord of all kindness has called us to be
a light for all people to set their hearts free.

God is light; in God there is no darkness.
Let us walk in the light. God's children one and all.
O comfort my people make gentle your words,
proclaim to my city the day of her birth.

O city of gladness now lift up your voice,
proclaim the good tidings that all may rejoice.

Six Months in Heaven

     I have dreams about Stella quite often.  Usually they are very brief and all that I see is Stella in pigtails and a white dress dancing, or laughing.  She is always so happy and joyful.  I know that I am seeing Stella in heaven.  Those dreams get me through the days where I miss her so much that it hurts.  One dream that was so vivid is when I saw my Grandparents, who died this year, in their rocking chairs with my Dad, who died when I was five, laying on the floor waiting to play tractors with Stella. All of them were smiling and seemed to be radiating joy. Stella was wearing a white cotton dress with dark blue flowers on the top part. She had on clear, sparkly Mary Jane shoes and had her hair in curly pigtails. She seemed concerned about me and all of us here. I felt that she was letting all of us know that everything is okay and as it should be. I woke up with a smile and I can still picture the whole dream. It was amazing!  When I see these dreams, I know that I am looking at Stella in heaven.  I believe in God's plan even more because how could I ever want to take Stella away from a place that is obviously so full of love, joy and happiness.  Although I want her here, she was never mine to claim.  She was on loan to me here and is now with God, where she was meant to be.  My dreams have helped me to realize this and to completely believe it.   

    At six months, I can take stock of Stella's short life and her impact on me and others.  I know that I will never be the same and I don't want to be.  Stella's life has forever altered who I am at the core and I am thankful.  I find myself striving to be the best mother, wife, sister, daughter, and friend that I can be.  As cliche as it may be, I do realize the importance of life even more now and the importance of the people in my life.  I am trying to treat them well, not take them for granted, and appreciate them, just as they are.  I know that others have been affected positively as well.  I would love for those people to comment here on the blog how Stella's life has impacted their life.  We are having a Stella celebration for her six month anniversary in heaven.  We are having friends over for company and to remember Stella.  I can't tell you how much it means to have friends that want to help us commemorate this milestone for Stella, and us.  It means so much.  I thank them and all of those that want to be here and can't.  I know who you are!

     I still have good days and bad days.  The good days far outnumber the bad days but when I have a bad day, it seems to really be a bad day, at least lately.  Recently, the small amount of bad days I've had have centered on anger.  I have been angry that Stella had to die, simple as that.  I do not blame God, nor to I blame anyone.  My anger is only at the situation itself, not at anyone.  It is a short lived but intense anger that quickly passes when I see Eliot or Jordec.  I give them a hug and a kiss and I am able to move on.  Just knowing that there are people that I can call when I am having a bad day is sometimes enough to get me out of my funk.  Thank you to all of the people that are there for me, even if I don't use you!  My good days involve me appreciating Eliot and Jordec, along with the rest of the people in my life.  On my good days, I think of Stella often with a big smile on my face.  I am able to talk about her with love and pride only, no sadness.  I still love to talk about her more and more every day; you parents understand wanting to talk about your children!  Thank you to everyone who listens to me talk about Stella, especially if it is hard for you to hear.  I appreciate your listening. 

     I don't have much more to say, except to those that have recently lost their baby, it does get better.  The bad days lessen and the good days expand before you know it.   When you remember your baby, the sad memories slowly get outnumbered with the happy ones and those are the ones that I truly cherish.  With love and God's blessings, Stella's Mommy.

Stella’s Story Part 6: Birth Day - Stella’s Short Life

     On the day Stella was born.  We got up with anxious excitement and headed on our way to the hospital.  Eliot did not want to wake up but he perked up once we told him that Stella got to come out.  He was so excited to meet her!  We got to the hospital where we were meeting some family members and Fr. Connor for a small prayer service in our hospital room.  We warned the front desk woman that we would be having a lot of family members coming and that they would probably be asking her where to go.  We explained about Stella and she was so nice and helpful.  The hospital was amazing, they even opened up a larger waiting room for the family while the operation was going on.  I got hooked up to the monitors and, after a few tries, the IV’s as well.  I still have a discoloration where they tried to stick me.  It was so awesome to hear Stella’s heartbeat and the loud sound every time she would kick the monitor, which was a lot.  We had Angel, a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, come in and take pictures from then for about a few hours.  She was amazing.  About a half hour before the c-section was to start, Fr. Connor and family members came into the room for the prayer service.  Fr. Connor asked us who the Godparents were going to be for the baptism.  We had the deer in the headlights look for a bit because we didn’t know if Stella would have Godparents or not.  It was a no-brainer decision for us and we picked two of Stella’s cousins.  Father said some prayers for Stella, me, Eliot, and Jordec.  He also started the baptism ceremony for the family members to be a part of it.  At the end, we got hugs and well wishes from everyone and a surprise.  My aunt and cousin brought down my Grandma!  I had been hoping that she would be there but it was hard for her to travel so I didn’t think she would be able to make it.  Boy was I wrong!  It was so great to see her there.  I couldn’t wait for her to meet Stella. 

      I was wheeled down to the operating room on the NICU floor.  The hospital thought that would be a better idea so that I wouldn’t have to go to a recovery room with a mother and a healthy baby.  They were so thoughtful about everything.  Jordec stayed with me during the epidural.  Let me tell you that I would much rather get a tattoo than get an epidural.  I was really starting to get nervous, both for meeting Stella and for the operation.  I was laying there and my blood pressure dropped and I started to get sick and dizzy.  I was trying to figure out how to throw up while laying on my back and then the operation started.  They gave me some medicine and I felt better right away.  I could hear them doing the surgery and I had them tell me their progress as they went.  Before I knew it, Stella was about to arrive.  Angel, the photographer got ready and a nurse was using our video camera to record everything.  I asked for the sheet to be lowered so that I could see what was going on.  I was afraid to see myself but there I was!  I couldn’t see too much with the doctor’s there but I could see enough.  The doctor said it was time and we all took a deep breath and Stella arrived into our world.  Angel got an amazing picture of Stella with just her head out and she is smiling.  It is the most awesome picture ever!  As I remember it, Stella came out kicking and I swear that I heard her cry right away.  After looking at the video, I realize that she didn’t cry right away, but only after they gave her a bit of help.  I remember the doctor saying he could see her head, I asked if it looked the way that we had expected it to and he said yes.  I think a very small part of me was hoping that the doctor’s had gotten it wrong and that everything would be okay.  As soon as he said that her head looked the way we thought it would, I nodded and moved forward.  We were prepared for this. 

They took her over to the warmer and I asked if she was alive.  They said yes and the nurse moved her finger with Stella’s heartbeat.  They asked if we wanted to help her breath and we said yes!  They gave her a puff of oxygen with a CPAP machine and then I heard the most beautiful little squeak of a cry from her.  It was adorable and made me smile so big.  I was so fearful before she was born of how she would look but I just remember her being the most beautiful girl in the entire world!  She had the cutest little mouth and lots of long, curly hair.  At this time, a nurse went down to inform our family what was going on in the operating room.  I also remember being worried that she would pass away and I wouldn’t know it.  That fear was relieved because with every breath that she took Stella made the most adorable little coo.  She would squeal from time to time with certain touches and it verified to me her tenacity.  Jordec cut her cord and then she was wrapped up and given to him.  Jordec looked so proud to be her Daddy. It made me smile even bigger.  The main feeling I was having at that time was pride.  I was so proud to have a daughter and that my daughter was Stella.  I was positively beaming I was so happy.  Jordec brought her over and Father began the baptism.  I honestly don’t remember much about the baptism because I was just soaking in Stella.  She had fluid in her mouth and I was worried she would choke.  The nurse sucked it out and then we just starred amazed at her.  I held her hand and rubbed it over and over.  She would stick out her tongue and pucker her lips.  She would even blow bubbles with her spit!  She didn’t move her arms and legs like other newborns but she did open her eyes.  We weren’t sure if she would be able to breathe on her own much less open her eyes, stick out her tongue, and make noises.  Before I knew it, Father was asking us to answer questions, I don’t even remember what they were, I just answered when he stopped talking.  Father blessed us and then he was done.  We were just marveling at Stella.  Father then went down to the waiting room to finish up the baptism ceremony there with them, so that they could all be a part of it too. 

Jordec gave me Stella and I loved to feel the weight of her on my chest.  It made her so real to me.  I couldn’t get enough of her.  I touched her face all over and kissed her over and over.  I told her to fight to stay with us longer but if the fight was too hard, then it was okay to let go and go to heaven.  I wanted her to fight so hard and she did.  I remember being so proud of how her fighting to breathe and stay with us.  We were moved to the recovery room where I unwrapped her to see all of her.  I put my hand on her chest and I could feel her heartbeat.  She had her eyes open for most of that time.  Jordec took her over to the warmer where they weighed her, 6 lbs 9 oz, and measured her height, 18.5 in.  Jordec got her dressed in the onsie that Eliot made for her and her pink hat and booties.  We wrapped her up in a fuzzy pink blanket and then she was back in my arms.  She was over there for only about 10 min but it felt like forever.  I kept asking if she was still cooing because I couldn’t hear that from across the room.  Angel continued to take pictures and I watched Jordec dress our daughter.  It was amazing to see him with his little Daddy’s girl.  We didn’t have our phones with us, so Angel let us use her phone and we called my Mom so that she could hear Stella cooing.  We didn’t know how long she would make noises and we wanted Mom to hear her.  I guess my Mom was so excited she all but skipped down the hall. 

We moved up to the postpartum room and everyone was craning their heads to get a peek of Stella.  Angel was still with us taking lots of pictures, Eliot came into the room and he got a little bit of alone time with her.  At first he asked who she was, then once we explained that it was Stella from Mommy’s belly, then he was excited to see her.  She blew bubbles at him, which he liked.  He held her for just a bit and then he was done, it was nap time and he was cranky.  We only got two family pictures that are worthwhile and then Eliot was done for.  Jordec’s sister came in and sat with Eliot to keep him company and before long he was asleep.  Stella’s grandparents came in to meet her along with my Grandma.  I was so proud of Stella and I soaked in the opportunity to show her off to everyone.  Jordec’s family came in next and then we started down the long list of my family members.  When my second family member came in, my sister, Stella stopped cooing.  My heart froze.  I looked to the nurse.  Stella opened her eyes and I could tell that she was struggling.  We had the nurse check her heartbeat and she said that it was slowing.  My other sister was on her way in and after the nurse checked Stella’s heartbeat again and it was slowing more, we had everyone rush in to meet her.  I don’t know exactly when she died but I like to believe that everyone got a chance to meet her and give her a kiss before she passed.  After everyone got their turn, the nurse checked her heartbeat again.  I knew that Stella had died already but I didn’t want it to be true.  I looked at the nurse and she looked back at me and nodded.  That was all I needed, I knew.  She was gone.  I cried immediately and hugged and kissed Stella.  I was in my own world and it was just me and Stella.  I honestly didn’t realize who was all in the room when she died because I was so focused on her.  I do know that at that moment, a strong feeling of love was flooding the room.  It was coming from everywhere.  There were tears, yes, but they didn’t last long.  Then there was only celebration of Stella and love, lots of love!  We had everyone leave the room and Jordec took Stella from me.  I had never seen him cry like that ever, and never since.  He walked around with her and cried and cried.  It broke my heart to see him that way.  I composed myself as best that I could.  The nurse called the doctor and he came in then to confirm that she had passed.  He called her time of death at 11:30am – just two hours after Stella came into this world.  God bless.

Stella’s Story Part 5: Anticipation

           It was so hard to wait for Stella.  We had no way of knowing if she would come early, die in the womb and if so, then when, or if she would go full-term but then be born dead, or die right away or live for minutes, hours, or days.  The unknown aspect of the pregnancy with Stella was the hardest part of all of it.  You would think that the actual death of Stella would have been the hardest.  While that was extremely hard, we knew it was coming.  What was painful, every day, was not knowing when she would die.  I would be so fearful when I didn’t feel her move for a while.  I got so that I would poke and prod my belly to make her move.  That was the only comfort that I had, feeling her move.  I woke up each day wondering if that would be the day that she would die.  I hoped a prayed that she would make it full-term but deep down I didn’t think that she would make it.  I rushed to get everything ready for her.  God’s plan is funny, He needed me to slow down, so He threw out my back the week before Stella was born.  I think he was saying to slow down and have some time with Stella in peace.  I laid in bed and cuddled with my belly, talked to Stella and prayed.  It was a nice relaxing time before she arrived and the crazy week began. 

We tried to do things with Stella and take her places that we would have taken her had she lived.  We went swimming lots, she really seemed to love that!  She would move like crazy when I was floating in the water.  We went to the zoo and we made sure to take pictures of Eliot and my belly.  We wanted Eliot to have these experiences with his sister too.  We went to a baseball game, a hockey game, and we watched fireworks.  We visited lots of friends and family and we enjoyed talking about Stella and to Stella.  It was hard to go out and about and see other pregnant women.  I felt so jealous of their fortune and our pending doom.  I also was dreading the inevitable questions from strangers of when I was due, the gender, etc.  Luckily I think that my fearful attitude for these questions was enough of a deterrent for people to not ask any questions.  I think I only got those questions about two or three times.  I just smiled and told them the truth.  I was x number of months along, we were having a girl named Stella Sue.  If they continued on with the questions, which only happened twice, then I politely told them that she is not going to make it.  Let me tell you, that can really shut people up!  The first time, the person just said sorry and walked away.  I just smiled and shook my head.  The next time, the woman apologized, said how sorry she was and then asked more questions.  It was amazing.  She didn’t run away and instead we ended up crying together while I explained, simply and briefly, what was going on.  She said she would keep us in her prayers.  We had a lot of people that we didn’t know who reached out to us.  Our neighbors friend came over and prayed with us out of the blue.  It was very moving.  God surely is amazing! 

Eliot ‘played’ with Stella by driving cars on my belly and tickling her.  She responded to his touch and voice by kicking him.  He loved to feel her move and he said that she was playing with him too.  The day Stella was set to arrive, we woke up anxious and excited to meet our little girl.  Part of me couldn’t wait, but the other part of me dreaded the day and wanted to run and hide from it.  There was nothing more that we could do for her.  We had done all that we could to make sure we had as many memories before she arrived as we could.  We took pictures and took the time to bond with her.  I knew that we had done enough so that we wouldn’t have any regrets.  I didn’t want to have any regrets.  I feared that regrets would just pain me more and extend my grief.  That is why I prepared for her birth in many ways.  I wanted to have everything planned out so that I would have no regrets.  I don’t have any now.  I miss Stella and love her more than I could ever believe.  God bless.

Songs and feelings

These are some of the songs that were played during the slide show at the candle lighting ceremony in December.  I love their lyrics.

Precious Child – by: Karen Taylor-Good

In my dreams, you are alive and well

Precious child, precious child

In my mind, I see you clear as a bell

Precious child, precious child

In my soul, there is a hole

That can never be filled

But in my heart, there is hope

Cause you are with me still

In my heart, you live on

Always there never gone

Precious child, you left too soon

Tho it may be true that we’re apart

You will live forever…in my heart

In my plans, I was the first to leave

Precious child, precious child

But in this world, I was left here to grieve

Precious child, precious child

In my soul, there is a hole

That can never be filled

But in my heart there is hope

And you are with me still

In my heart you live on

Always there, never gone

Precious child, you left too soon

Tho it may be true that we’re apart

You will live forever…in my heart

God knows I want to hold you,

See you, touch you

And maybe there’s a heaven

And someday I will again

Please know you are not forgotten until then

In my heart you live on

Always there never gone

Precious child, you left too soon

Tho it may be true that we’re apart

You will live forever…in my heart.

“To where you are” – Josh Groban

Who can say for certain

Maybe you’re still here

 I feel you all around me

Your memories so clear

Deep in the stillness

I can hear you speak

You’re still an inspiration

Can it be?

That you are mine

Forever love and you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are

Beyond the distant star

I wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for awhile to know you’re there

A breath away’s not far

To where you are

Are you gently sleeping

Here inside my dream

And isn’t faith believing

All power can’t be seen

As my heart holds you

Just one beat away

I cherish all you gave me everyday

Cause you are mine

Forever love

Watching me from up above

And I believe

That angels breathe

And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up

To where you are

Beyond the distant star

I wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for awhile

To know you’re there

A breath away’s not far

To where you are

I know you’re there

A breath away’s not far

To where you are

“Tonight I hold this candle” – Alan Pedersen

Tonight I hold this candle in memory of you

Hoping some way some how my love will shine through

I close my eyes lost in the glow

There are so many things I want you to know

This candle says I love you, this candle says I miss you

This candle is saying I remember you

When I’m holding it toward heaven, it feels like you are near.

If you’re looking down tonight and see this candle burning bright

It says I’m wishing you were here.

In the glow of this candle I can almost see your smile

And it carries me away for a little while.

To another time, another place

When all it took to light up my world was your beautiful face.

This candle says I love you, this candle says I miss you

This candle is saying I remember you

When I’m holding it toward heaven, if feels like you are near

If you’re looking down tonight and see this candle burning bright

It says I’m wishing you were here

Someday, some way I’ll see you again

I’ll hold you in my heart until then

This candle says I love you, this candle says I miss you

This candle is saying I remember you

When I’m holding it toward heaven, it feels like you are near

If you’re looking down tonight and see this candle burning bright

It says I’m wishing you were here

If you’re looking down tonight

And see this candle burning bright

It says I’m wishing you were here

This candle ways I Love You

“Cradle of Wings” – Pam Armstrong and Susan Armstrong Lunn

There’s a place in your heart, the angels know

Where the love for your child begins to grow

And they sing out the joy of that tender glow

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah

Though there’s much to see through new little eyes

When they start to close, with soft weary sighs

In a cradle of wings, the little one lies

And the angel’s hallelujahs hush to lullabies

And the angel’s hallelujahs hush to lullabies

There’s a place in your heart, where you realize

That the love for your child, will forever abide

It’s the cradle of wings, where you little one lies

Where the angel’s hallelujahs hush to lullabies

It’s where the angel’s hallelujahs hush to lullabies

Lullaby, little darlin’ lullaby

Lullaby, my sweet darlin’ lullaby

We will hold you and we’ll see you by and by

We love you and we’ll miss you, bye bye

“I will carry you (Audrey’s song)” – Selah

There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you

Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes

Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I’m not

Truth is I’m barely hanging on

But there’s a greater story

Written long before me

Because He loves you like this

(Chorus)

I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All my life

And I praise the One who’s chosen me

To carry you

Such a short time

Such a long road

All this madness

But I know

That the silence

Has brought me to His voice

And He says…

I’ve shown you her photographs of time beginning

Walked her through the parted seas

Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes

Who could love her like this?

(Chorus)

“A little farther down the road” – Alan Pedersen

I know those tears you’re cryin’

I’ve been in your shoes

You feel like there’s no use in tryin’

Like there’s nothing left to lose

You take one step forward and move two steps back

You may not see it now but it won’t always be like that

(Chorus)

A little farther down the road

You’ll see the sun again

A little farther down the road

You’ll look back at where you’ve been

You’ll see how far you’ve come

And you’ll find the strength to go

A little farther down the road

This journey is not easy

It’s a windin’ road filled with twists and turns

But you can make it believe me

In time you’ll learn

A greater love comes from your deepest pain

There’s power in that love to help you rise again

(Chorus)

It’s holdin’ on it’s bitter sweet

It’s healing slow the findin’ peace

(Chorus)

     I want to preface my thoughts here by saying that I know people have great intentions and that their thought is that they are helping or are trying to help in the way they feel is best.  With that being said, sometimes even the most well intentioned words are not helpful.  Almost two weeks ago I was up late, as I usually am, and I was overcome with anger at the loss of Stella.  I was down right pissed.  I was mad at everyone and everything and I just wanted to scream.  I cried harder than I have cried in months.  I actually thought about driving to a field and screaming my head off.  Instead I just cried harder, posted my feeling on facebook along with pictures of Stella, cuddled with Stella's blanket, and went to sleep.  When I woke up the next morning I felt pretty good.  I was feeling the residue of the anger from the night before but mostly I was doing okay.  I received some positive feedback on facebook from people, especially an old friend who told it like it is.  I also received many comments of people's love for us.  I so relish all of those comments.  It is true that some of my anger was directed at people that kill their children that they don't want and mine had to die while I wanted her.  I was also angry and jealous of all those healthy kids out there and why did mine have to die and not theirs.  I am not pleased with myself for those thoughts but they were my thoughts at the time, so I felt them and then moved past them.  I did however receive some words about going to counseling and talking to people about what we were going through.  Again, while I understand that people were just trying to help, instead I felt that my thoughts and feelings weren't normal and that I shouldn't be feeling these things.  That is not what the people were telling me but that is what I felt.  I know that I am on my own path of grief and that I need to follow it instead of trying to cut through and make a path that I feel is better.  I want to be done grieving but I have to wait it out.  I will talk to someone and seek help if and when I feel it is right for me.  I don't feel that is the case right now.  I also don't feel the need to talk at length to others who have gone through what we have gone through.  I know that they are out there and that is enough for me right now.  I feel that I need to focus on Stella and my grief for her.  I want to make sure that my grief is not being influenced by others and how they dealt with their grief.  Anyway, that is all that I have to say about that.  Thank you for listening and I didn't mean to hurt any feelings, I know you all meant well.  Thank you.  God bless!