Halloween is here and I can't help but wonder what Stella would have had as her first costume. Would it have been a cute little lady bug? A princess? Or something else that we made up with some crazy clothes, like a hippy. I would have loved to have taken her out trick or treating with her big brother and watch as her eyes grew big to the lights, sounds and colors of the holiday. Big brother Eliot would have entertained her with dancing and silly faces and she would have smiled and reached for him.
These nonexistent memories are the things I greive. I wonder what should have been but can never be. I have faith and trust in God's plan for my life and for Stella's short life. I know that her two hours and months in the womb affected so many lives. Yet I can't help but mourn for what never happened. That concept of mourning for what never happened is unique to infant loss. But that is the problem, how do you grieve what never was? How do you mourn for someone that never lived? There are no memories to look back on fondly and remember your beloved baby. All of the memories, even those with some joy, are tainted by the knowledge that they are short lived. The memories all contain the knowledge that death is coming, and at an undetermined time. I have no memories of Stella that don't involve fear of her dying, of when she would die, how she would die, or my wishing that there was something that I could do to stop her from dying. I lost my father when I was 5 years old and even though I barely remember him, I can relive the happy, untainted memories through my family members memories, pictures, and video. How do I grieve Stella without these memories? I have picked out a few very small moment in those two hours of her life that have the least amount of negativity associated with them: her beautiful voice as she cooed to us, the grip of her hand around my finger, and her peeking eyes. These three small memories I think of often but yet it doesn't seem like enough. I think what I need to do is relish these moments but yet I also need to deal with the fact that there are no more. I can remember everything about those two hours and depending on my mood, make them seem happier or sadder in the moment. I intend to use my mind to make the memories seem as happy as possible, for my sake and Stella's too.
I realize as I re-read through this post that it seems all very negative. That is life isn't it? We tend to focus on the negative more than the positive. So, here is some positive. Many lives were affected by Stella and her short life. Our family and friends have been amazing through our time with Stella and I have received more love and support than I ever would have thought possible. The turnout of people at Stella's visitation and funeral are a testament to all of our support and to the amount of people that Stella had an impact on. My husband and I have found ourselves even more close than we have ever been. I feel an extra close bond with my mother as she has been my rock. My faith has not been shaken and in fact I would say that it has even been strengthened. My appreciation for my son is out of this world and I find that my patience, at times, can be tremendous. Even with all of these positive outcomes, I would rather have my daughter here and there are still a lot of negative that I need to deal with in order to fully grieve. In the meantime I will focus on the positive and work through the negative as best as I can, with the love and support from my family.
