After Stella had passed, we had sent everyone out of the room to have some alone time with her. After a bit, we opened the doors and everyone flooded into the room. It seemed that everyone couldn’t wait to see Stella some more and have their chance to hold her. The first thing that we did is to have a photo shoot. We were going to donate Stella’s liver so therefore we had one hour after she passed to be with her. Then she would have to go get her operation done. We didn’t know if the operation would change her appearance so we wanted to take lots of pictures right away. Stella had started to turn a bit blue when she was struggling for oxygen before she passed. After she died, her color actually started going back to normal. The nurses were confused. They said that it was not normal and that usually the color would stay bluish. It was one of many small miracles that happened that day. Having her for two hours instead of mere minutes was another one. Angel, our NILMDTS photographer, got many nice pictures of Stella and us. My cousin also took many pictures for us. She got lots of great pictures of Stella, Stella with people and the behind the scenes shots of the day. The whole day was captured in pictures. We put on Stella’s cute while dress and bonnet and she looked like a little angel. We took pictures with her in her special blankets and with special items, the bonnet I wore when I was little, the bracelet that we had made for her, etc. A few select people got to hold Stella before her operation, her Godparents, her Grandparents, but the first was her Great-Grandma Schaecher who made the trek down to see her. I was so proud to show her off to my Grandma and she seemed so excited to hold Stella. It was so special to have a four generation picture taken. It is even more special now that my Grandma has passed away. The last thing that we did before she left for her operation was to get her footprints and handprints done. Her feet and hands were so big. Her feet were long and skinny with long and skinny toes. Her hands were also big with long and skinny fingers. The nurses also did impressions of her hands and feet. It was great of them to have those kits there and to do that for us.
We met with the doctors that were going to do Stella’s operation, we gave her kisses good-bye and then they took her away for awhile. Angel had to leave during the break so my cousin continued and took over as our main photographer. We had some down time for about two hours while they did the operation and recovered her liver. We talked with the doctor after and he told us that everything went well and that she did a good job. I was so proud of her. I know that is an odd feeling, but I was so proud of her to be generous. I loved her more than ever. After she came back, she looked just the same. Her color was great and she was beautiful. She was a bit stiff and cold but we expected that. We had the nurses wrap her in warm blankets and then everyone got their turn to hold her. Eliot was first. He opened his present from Eliot, a special blanket that I made with my Mom that said Eliot and Stella on it with a heart. Eliot was in much better spirits at this point and he couldn’t get enough of her. He wanted to look at every part of her and touch her all over. He sat next to me and we put Stella’s hand around his finger and her gave her kisses over and over again. He also blew raspberries on her cheeks, which was so adorable. He had on his I’m a Big Brother shirt and pin and was willing to show it off to anyone who would pay attention to him. We would ask him if he was done holding her and he would say no. Then we would ask if he wanted to hold her for a little bit or a long time and he would say long time. Even when he said he was done, he would come back later and want to hold her again and again. I couldn’t have asked for a better behaved two year old on that day.
It was great to see everyone so excited to hold her and have their turn to meet her properly. There was so much love in the room that it was amazing. Fr. Connor came back to visit with us and we took some pictures with the baptismal party. Father said he could feel the love in the room and he was reminded of the song “In this very room”. He sang a few bars but none of us knew the song. Now it is one of my favorites and it always takes me back to that part of the day and I can feel the love all over again. At one point, some representatives from NORS, the organ donation place, came in and gave us special bears for us to keep to represent Stella being a hero by donating. That was very special. We kept one, gave one to each set of grandparents, Stella’s great-grandma and Eliot. Everyone was honored to have one. At one point, Stella’s incision site seemed to be leaking so they were going to change her outfit and diaper. We had them keep they diaper but as the nurse started to do it, my sister-in-law jumped right in to help. Because of that, she is the only one to get to change Stella’s diaper. I love the pictures of this, my sister-in-law has a wonderful smile on her face and is looking on Stella with so much love. They are some of my favorite pictures. We had lots of visitors and lots of people who got to hold Stella. Stella had bright red lips, I’m not sure why, but Eliot thought they were very cool and he tried to use his sucker like lipstick to make his lips just as red as Stella’s.
Before we knew it, we had Stella in our life for almost 12 hours. We knew that the sooner we got her to a funeral home, the better for her visitation and funeral. We prepared to let her go, physically. Jordec took her on a ride in the bassinet while Eliot and his cousin helped pull. He took her to the waiting room where everyone else was and then we slowly undressed her to take in all of her parts one last time. I was nervous about seeing the dressing for her incision site but it wasn’t scary at all. I even had the nurse take off her diaper so that I could see her little tushie. I wanted to see all of her one last time. I took off the clothes that I wanted to keep and then I had them put on a new hat to take with her. They cut off her hospital bracelets and snipped some locks of hair for us too. The funeral home director came to get her and we said our last goodbyes. I knew that we would never get to hold her again. I knew this was the end of our time with her. I cry right now just thinking of that moment. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, to let her go. We took some private time with her and I told her all of the things that I would ever want to tell her. I told her how much I was going to miss her and that we loved her so much. I told her to say hello to my Dad and all of the other family in heaven with her. I told her how we were going to miss so many things and that we wanted her to watch out for us and for Eliot. I thanked her for fighting to stay with us for two hours and told her that we were proud of her for her fight and for being so brave. We wanted to say everything that we could think of at that moment so there would be no regrets. I know that I said everything that I wanted to. The funeral director came back and took Stella away. It was just as my Mom said it would be. We said what we could to Stella and then after she was gone, I cried harder than I had ever cried in my entire life. Jordec and I cried and held each other and then cried more. I couldn’t believe that she was really gone. I couldn’t even hold her anymore, she was truly gone. After we cried for awhile, we opened the door and people poured in to stay with us for a bit longer. After everyone left, Jordec crawled into bed with me again and we cried and talked for a long time. Eventually we were just exhausted and we went to bed. God bless.
