I have to start by saying a big congrats to my best friend and her family who just had a baby girl yesterday! I am so happy for them and their little one. She is and will forever be like a sister to me and I cherish our friendship. We can go for weeks without talking as life gets in the way but I know that she is there for me and that she would do anything for me, and vice versa. With all of that being said, her new baby girl is a reminder to me that mine is not here. I hope this post doesn't hurt her but she knows that it is not my intention, and I feel I owe it to myself and to any others out there who are grieving to write the truth. It is really hard to be around newborns, especially baby girls. It punches me in the gut to see them and know that if things were different, that could have been Stella. When I bought cute little tights and ruffle butt pants for my friends baby shower, I found myself wondering what Stella would have looked like in them. Even more delusional is a fleeting thought that I was buying them for Stella. I quickly pushed that out of my head but part of me wanted to immerse myself in that idea. Wouldn't it be great to pretend for a moment that she was alive and that I was buying these things for her? Just thinking about that made my heart leap and the next moment it crashed because I knew that she was gone forever. As much as I would have loved to entertain those thoughts, I feel it would have done me more harm than good as I would have had to let her die all over again in my head. Losing her once was overwhelming enough and I don't think I could handle losing her on a regular basis. I think that once I see her little girl in the outfits that I bought, it will be just another way to emphasize that Stella is gone and those clothes will never be for her.
These moments in life come about when you expect them but also they slide around in the dark shadows just waiting to take you off guard. A look from someone, a baby cry from across a store, a curly haired girl running at the park, or even a smell can cause me to bring back such strong emotions that it almost knocks me off of my feet. Most of the time the emotion is sadness, but sometimes, it is a calming wave of peace that washes over me. It is those rare moments that I can smile and know that Stella is where she is meant to be, where all angels are, in heaven. I ride those waves of contentment as long as I can and use them to remember Stella. I think about her cute button nose, her Daddy's long toes, and her adorable mouth just like her brothers. I think about her sweet cooing and try not to think about when it stopped. Sometimes, I can even feel the weight of her in my arms and when it goes away, my arms ache for her. I will take those peaceful feelings anytime over the sad ones. Even though the feelings of sadness outnumber the feelings of peace, the peaceful feelings carry a lot more weight and so I think they balance out in the end.
To my friend, cherish your little girl, and let me do the same. Know that my struggle does not diminish the joy and love that I have for you all. I hope, in time, that these feelings will lessen but I know that they will not go away all together and I don't want them to. Our daughters were born in the same year so they would have been the same age. I feel that in a way, I can watch your daughter to see what Stella could have been for me. That is a hard reality for me because as much as I trust in God's plan, I can't help thinking that she should be here with me. I will make sure to pray to Stella to watch out for your daughter and for your family.
Nothing in life changes after losing a baby, but your perception of life is altered. Everything that happens is related back to your baby, to your loss. That is why it can be so hard to return to normal life, and why people feel that they have changed. Words and objects are laced with more meaning and your senses are acutely sensitive. The context in which you see, hear, touch, smell is about your baby. After three months, my senses are starting to deaden a bit but it comes and goes. Right after Stella passed, and even before she was born, everything was about her. Small comments that people would make, that before I wouldn't have even noticed, were now hurtful and seemed directed at me. Going to the baby aisle at a store, which before was a joy, now it seemed as if the items on the shelves were taunting me. They were saying, "Why are you here? You don't need us! Your baby is going to die! Leave! You are not wanted here!". Now I can dismiss comments without them bothering me because I know that people don't think before they talk. I can go in the baby aisle but I don't go there often, I am only human and I don't want to push myself. I know that these things will get better. Time heals all wounds, so they say. I think this wound is going to leave one heck of a scar, which I will cherish forever. God bless!
