Six Months in Heaven

     I have dreams about Stella quite often.  Usually they are very brief and all that I see is Stella in pigtails and a white dress dancing, or laughing.  She is always so happy and joyful.  I know that I am seeing Stella in heaven.  Those dreams get me through the days where I miss her so much that it hurts.  One dream that was so vivid is when I saw my Grandparents, who died this year, in their rocking chairs with my Dad, who died when I was five, laying on the floor waiting to play tractors with Stella. All of them were smiling and seemed to be radiating joy. Stella was wearing a white cotton dress with dark blue flowers on the top part. She had on clear, sparkly Mary Jane shoes and had her hair in curly pigtails. She seemed concerned about me and all of us here. I felt that she was letting all of us know that everything is okay and as it should be. I woke up with a smile and I can still picture the whole dream. It was amazing!  When I see these dreams, I know that I am looking at Stella in heaven.  I believe in God's plan even more because how could I ever want to take Stella away from a place that is obviously so full of love, joy and happiness.  Although I want her here, she was never mine to claim.  She was on loan to me here and is now with God, where she was meant to be.  My dreams have helped me to realize this and to completely believe it.   

    At six months, I can take stock of Stella's short life and her impact on me and others.  I know that I will never be the same and I don't want to be.  Stella's life has forever altered who I am at the core and I am thankful.  I find myself striving to be the best mother, wife, sister, daughter, and friend that I can be.  As cliche as it may be, I do realize the importance of life even more now and the importance of the people in my life.  I am trying to treat them well, not take them for granted, and appreciate them, just as they are.  I know that others have been affected positively as well.  I would love for those people to comment here on the blog how Stella's life has impacted their life.  We are having a Stella celebration for her six month anniversary in heaven.  We are having friends over for company and to remember Stella.  I can't tell you how much it means to have friends that want to help us commemorate this milestone for Stella, and us.  It means so much.  I thank them and all of those that want to be here and can't.  I know who you are!

     I still have good days and bad days.  The good days far outnumber the bad days but when I have a bad day, it seems to really be a bad day, at least lately.  Recently, the small amount of bad days I've had have centered on anger.  I have been angry that Stella had to die, simple as that.  I do not blame God, nor to I blame anyone.  My anger is only at the situation itself, not at anyone.  It is a short lived but intense anger that quickly passes when I see Eliot or Jordec.  I give them a hug and a kiss and I am able to move on.  Just knowing that there are people that I can call when I am having a bad day is sometimes enough to get me out of my funk.  Thank you to all of the people that are there for me, even if I don't use you!  My good days involve me appreciating Eliot and Jordec, along with the rest of the people in my life.  On my good days, I think of Stella often with a big smile on my face.  I am able to talk about her with love and pride only, no sadness.  I still love to talk about her more and more every day; you parents understand wanting to talk about your children!  Thank you to everyone who listens to me talk about Stella, especially if it is hard for you to hear.  I appreciate your listening. 

     I don't have much more to say, except to those that have recently lost their baby, it does get better.  The bad days lessen and the good days expand before you know it.   When you remember your baby, the sad memories slowly get outnumbered with the happy ones and those are the ones that I truly cherish.  With love and God's blessings, Stella's Mommy.

Stella’s Story Part 6: Birth Day - Stella’s Short Life

     On the day Stella was born.  We got up with anxious excitement and headed on our way to the hospital.  Eliot did not want to wake up but he perked up once we told him that Stella got to come out.  He was so excited to meet her!  We got to the hospital where we were meeting some family members and Fr. Connor for a small prayer service in our hospital room.  We warned the front desk woman that we would be having a lot of family members coming and that they would probably be asking her where to go.  We explained about Stella and she was so nice and helpful.  The hospital was amazing, they even opened up a larger waiting room for the family while the operation was going on.  I got hooked up to the monitors and, after a few tries, the IV’s as well.  I still have a discoloration where they tried to stick me.  It was so awesome to hear Stella’s heartbeat and the loud sound every time she would kick the monitor, which was a lot.  We had Angel, a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, come in and take pictures from then for about a few hours.  She was amazing.  About a half hour before the c-section was to start, Fr. Connor and family members came into the room for the prayer service.  Fr. Connor asked us who the Godparents were going to be for the baptism.  We had the deer in the headlights look for a bit because we didn’t know if Stella would have Godparents or not.  It was a no-brainer decision for us and we picked two of Stella’s cousins.  Father said some prayers for Stella, me, Eliot, and Jordec.  He also started the baptism ceremony for the family members to be a part of it.  At the end, we got hugs and well wishes from everyone and a surprise.  My aunt and cousin brought down my Grandma!  I had been hoping that she would be there but it was hard for her to travel so I didn’t think she would be able to make it.  Boy was I wrong!  It was so great to see her there.  I couldn’t wait for her to meet Stella. 

      I was wheeled down to the operating room on the NICU floor.  The hospital thought that would be a better idea so that I wouldn’t have to go to a recovery room with a mother and a healthy baby.  They were so thoughtful about everything.  Jordec stayed with me during the epidural.  Let me tell you that I would much rather get a tattoo than get an epidural.  I was really starting to get nervous, both for meeting Stella and for the operation.  I was laying there and my blood pressure dropped and I started to get sick and dizzy.  I was trying to figure out how to throw up while laying on my back and then the operation started.  They gave me some medicine and I felt better right away.  I could hear them doing the surgery and I had them tell me their progress as they went.  Before I knew it, Stella was about to arrive.  Angel, the photographer got ready and a nurse was using our video camera to record everything.  I asked for the sheet to be lowered so that I could see what was going on.  I was afraid to see myself but there I was!  I couldn’t see too much with the doctor’s there but I could see enough.  The doctor said it was time and we all took a deep breath and Stella arrived into our world.  Angel got an amazing picture of Stella with just her head out and she is smiling.  It is the most awesome picture ever!  As I remember it, Stella came out kicking and I swear that I heard her cry right away.  After looking at the video, I realize that she didn’t cry right away, but only after they gave her a bit of help.  I remember the doctor saying he could see her head, I asked if it looked the way that we had expected it to and he said yes.  I think a very small part of me was hoping that the doctor’s had gotten it wrong and that everything would be okay.  As soon as he said that her head looked the way we thought it would, I nodded and moved forward.  We were prepared for this. 

They took her over to the warmer and I asked if she was alive.  They said yes and the nurse moved her finger with Stella’s heartbeat.  They asked if we wanted to help her breath and we said yes!  They gave her a puff of oxygen with a CPAP machine and then I heard the most beautiful little squeak of a cry from her.  It was adorable and made me smile so big.  I was so fearful before she was born of how she would look but I just remember her being the most beautiful girl in the entire world!  She had the cutest little mouth and lots of long, curly hair.  At this time, a nurse went down to inform our family what was going on in the operating room.  I also remember being worried that she would pass away and I wouldn’t know it.  That fear was relieved because with every breath that she took Stella made the most adorable little coo.  She would squeal from time to time with certain touches and it verified to me her tenacity.  Jordec cut her cord and then she was wrapped up and given to him.  Jordec looked so proud to be her Daddy. It made me smile even bigger.  The main feeling I was having at that time was pride.  I was so proud to have a daughter and that my daughter was Stella.  I was positively beaming I was so happy.  Jordec brought her over and Father began the baptism.  I honestly don’t remember much about the baptism because I was just soaking in Stella.  She had fluid in her mouth and I was worried she would choke.  The nurse sucked it out and then we just starred amazed at her.  I held her hand and rubbed it over and over.  She would stick out her tongue and pucker her lips.  She would even blow bubbles with her spit!  She didn’t move her arms and legs like other newborns but she did open her eyes.  We weren’t sure if she would be able to breathe on her own much less open her eyes, stick out her tongue, and make noises.  Before I knew it, Father was asking us to answer questions, I don’t even remember what they were, I just answered when he stopped talking.  Father blessed us and then he was done.  We were just marveling at Stella.  Father then went down to the waiting room to finish up the baptism ceremony there with them, so that they could all be a part of it too. 

Jordec gave me Stella and I loved to feel the weight of her on my chest.  It made her so real to me.  I couldn’t get enough of her.  I touched her face all over and kissed her over and over.  I told her to fight to stay with us longer but if the fight was too hard, then it was okay to let go and go to heaven.  I wanted her to fight so hard and she did.  I remember being so proud of how her fighting to breathe and stay with us.  We were moved to the recovery room where I unwrapped her to see all of her.  I put my hand on her chest and I could feel her heartbeat.  She had her eyes open for most of that time.  Jordec took her over to the warmer where they weighed her, 6 lbs 9 oz, and measured her height, 18.5 in.  Jordec got her dressed in the onsie that Eliot made for her and her pink hat and booties.  We wrapped her up in a fuzzy pink blanket and then she was back in my arms.  She was over there for only about 10 min but it felt like forever.  I kept asking if she was still cooing because I couldn’t hear that from across the room.  Angel continued to take pictures and I watched Jordec dress our daughter.  It was amazing to see him with his little Daddy’s girl.  We didn’t have our phones with us, so Angel let us use her phone and we called my Mom so that she could hear Stella cooing.  We didn’t know how long she would make noises and we wanted Mom to hear her.  I guess my Mom was so excited she all but skipped down the hall. 

We moved up to the postpartum room and everyone was craning their heads to get a peek of Stella.  Angel was still with us taking lots of pictures, Eliot came into the room and he got a little bit of alone time with her.  At first he asked who she was, then once we explained that it was Stella from Mommy’s belly, then he was excited to see her.  She blew bubbles at him, which he liked.  He held her for just a bit and then he was done, it was nap time and he was cranky.  We only got two family pictures that are worthwhile and then Eliot was done for.  Jordec’s sister came in and sat with Eliot to keep him company and before long he was asleep.  Stella’s grandparents came in to meet her along with my Grandma.  I was so proud of Stella and I soaked in the opportunity to show her off to everyone.  Jordec’s family came in next and then we started down the long list of my family members.  When my second family member came in, my sister, Stella stopped cooing.  My heart froze.  I looked to the nurse.  Stella opened her eyes and I could tell that she was struggling.  We had the nurse check her heartbeat and she said that it was slowing.  My other sister was on her way in and after the nurse checked Stella’s heartbeat again and it was slowing more, we had everyone rush in to meet her.  I don’t know exactly when she died but I like to believe that everyone got a chance to meet her and give her a kiss before she passed.  After everyone got their turn, the nurse checked her heartbeat again.  I knew that Stella had died already but I didn’t want it to be true.  I looked at the nurse and she looked back at me and nodded.  That was all I needed, I knew.  She was gone.  I cried immediately and hugged and kissed Stella.  I was in my own world and it was just me and Stella.  I honestly didn’t realize who was all in the room when she died because I was so focused on her.  I do know that at that moment, a strong feeling of love was flooding the room.  It was coming from everywhere.  There were tears, yes, but they didn’t last long.  Then there was only celebration of Stella and love, lots of love!  We had everyone leave the room and Jordec took Stella from me.  I had never seen him cry like that ever, and never since.  He walked around with her and cried and cried.  It broke my heart to see him that way.  I composed myself as best that I could.  The nurse called the doctor and he came in then to confirm that she had passed.  He called her time of death at 11:30am – just two hours after Stella came into this world.  God bless.

Stella’s Story Part 5: Anticipation

           It was so hard to wait for Stella.  We had no way of knowing if she would come early, die in the womb and if so, then when, or if she would go full-term but then be born dead, or die right away or live for minutes, hours, or days.  The unknown aspect of the pregnancy with Stella was the hardest part of all of it.  You would think that the actual death of Stella would have been the hardest.  While that was extremely hard, we knew it was coming.  What was painful, every day, was not knowing when she would die.  I would be so fearful when I didn’t feel her move for a while.  I got so that I would poke and prod my belly to make her move.  That was the only comfort that I had, feeling her move.  I woke up each day wondering if that would be the day that she would die.  I hoped a prayed that she would make it full-term but deep down I didn’t think that she would make it.  I rushed to get everything ready for her.  God’s plan is funny, He needed me to slow down, so He threw out my back the week before Stella was born.  I think he was saying to slow down and have some time with Stella in peace.  I laid in bed and cuddled with my belly, talked to Stella and prayed.  It was a nice relaxing time before she arrived and the crazy week began. 

We tried to do things with Stella and take her places that we would have taken her had she lived.  We went swimming lots, she really seemed to love that!  She would move like crazy when I was floating in the water.  We went to the zoo and we made sure to take pictures of Eliot and my belly.  We wanted Eliot to have these experiences with his sister too.  We went to a baseball game, a hockey game, and we watched fireworks.  We visited lots of friends and family and we enjoyed talking about Stella and to Stella.  It was hard to go out and about and see other pregnant women.  I felt so jealous of their fortune and our pending doom.  I also was dreading the inevitable questions from strangers of when I was due, the gender, etc.  Luckily I think that my fearful attitude for these questions was enough of a deterrent for people to not ask any questions.  I think I only got those questions about two or three times.  I just smiled and told them the truth.  I was x number of months along, we were having a girl named Stella Sue.  If they continued on with the questions, which only happened twice, then I politely told them that she is not going to make it.  Let me tell you, that can really shut people up!  The first time, the person just said sorry and walked away.  I just smiled and shook my head.  The next time, the woman apologized, said how sorry she was and then asked more questions.  It was amazing.  She didn’t run away and instead we ended up crying together while I explained, simply and briefly, what was going on.  She said she would keep us in her prayers.  We had a lot of people that we didn’t know who reached out to us.  Our neighbors friend came over and prayed with us out of the blue.  It was very moving.  God surely is amazing! 

Eliot ‘played’ with Stella by driving cars on my belly and tickling her.  She responded to his touch and voice by kicking him.  He loved to feel her move and he said that she was playing with him too.  The day Stella was set to arrive, we woke up anxious and excited to meet our little girl.  Part of me couldn’t wait, but the other part of me dreaded the day and wanted to run and hide from it.  There was nothing more that we could do for her.  We had done all that we could to make sure we had as many memories before she arrived as we could.  We took pictures and took the time to bond with her.  I knew that we had done enough so that we wouldn’t have any regrets.  I didn’t want to have any regrets.  I feared that regrets would just pain me more and extend my grief.  That is why I prepared for her birth in many ways.  I wanted to have everything planned out so that I would have no regrets.  I don’t have any now.  I miss Stella and love her more than I could ever believe.  God bless.

Songs and feelings

These are some of the songs that were played during the slide show at the candle lighting ceremony in December.  I love their lyrics.

Precious Child – by: Karen Taylor-Good

In my dreams, you are alive and well

Precious child, precious child

In my mind, I see you clear as a bell

Precious child, precious child

In my soul, there is a hole

That can never be filled

But in my heart, there is hope

Cause you are with me still

In my heart, you live on

Always there never gone

Precious child, you left too soon

Tho it may be true that we’re apart

You will live forever…in my heart

In my plans, I was the first to leave

Precious child, precious child

But in this world, I was left here to grieve

Precious child, precious child

In my soul, there is a hole

That can never be filled

But in my heart there is hope

And you are with me still

In my heart you live on

Always there, never gone

Precious child, you left too soon

Tho it may be true that we’re apart

You will live forever…in my heart

God knows I want to hold you,

See you, touch you

And maybe there’s a heaven

And someday I will again

Please know you are not forgotten until then

In my heart you live on

Always there never gone

Precious child, you left too soon

Tho it may be true that we’re apart

You will live forever…in my heart.

“To where you are” – Josh Groban

Who can say for certain

Maybe you’re still here

 I feel you all around me

Your memories so clear

Deep in the stillness

I can hear you speak

You’re still an inspiration

Can it be?

That you are mine

Forever love and you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are

Beyond the distant star

I wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for awhile to know you’re there

A breath away’s not far

To where you are

Are you gently sleeping

Here inside my dream

And isn’t faith believing

All power can’t be seen

As my heart holds you

Just one beat away

I cherish all you gave me everyday

Cause you are mine

Forever love

Watching me from up above

And I believe

That angels breathe

And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up

To where you are

Beyond the distant star

I wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for awhile

To know you’re there

A breath away’s not far

To where you are

I know you’re there

A breath away’s not far

To where you are

“Tonight I hold this candle” – Alan Pedersen

Tonight I hold this candle in memory of you

Hoping some way some how my love will shine through

I close my eyes lost in the glow

There are so many things I want you to know

This candle says I love you, this candle says I miss you

This candle is saying I remember you

When I’m holding it toward heaven, it feels like you are near.

If you’re looking down tonight and see this candle burning bright

It says I’m wishing you were here.

In the glow of this candle I can almost see your smile

And it carries me away for a little while.

To another time, another place

When all it took to light up my world was your beautiful face.

This candle says I love you, this candle says I miss you

This candle is saying I remember you

When I’m holding it toward heaven, if feels like you are near

If you’re looking down tonight and see this candle burning bright

It says I’m wishing you were here

Someday, some way I’ll see you again

I’ll hold you in my heart until then

This candle says I love you, this candle says I miss you

This candle is saying I remember you

When I’m holding it toward heaven, it feels like you are near

If you’re looking down tonight and see this candle burning bright

It says I’m wishing you were here

If you’re looking down tonight

And see this candle burning bright

It says I’m wishing you were here

This candle ways I Love You

“Cradle of Wings” – Pam Armstrong and Susan Armstrong Lunn

There’s a place in your heart, the angels know

Where the love for your child begins to grow

And they sing out the joy of that tender glow

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah

Though there’s much to see through new little eyes

When they start to close, with soft weary sighs

In a cradle of wings, the little one lies

And the angel’s hallelujahs hush to lullabies

And the angel’s hallelujahs hush to lullabies

There’s a place in your heart, where you realize

That the love for your child, will forever abide

It’s the cradle of wings, where you little one lies

Where the angel’s hallelujahs hush to lullabies

It’s where the angel’s hallelujahs hush to lullabies

Lullaby, little darlin’ lullaby

Lullaby, my sweet darlin’ lullaby

We will hold you and we’ll see you by and by

We love you and we’ll miss you, bye bye

“I will carry you (Audrey’s song)” – Selah

There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you

Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes

Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I’m not

Truth is I’m barely hanging on

But there’s a greater story

Written long before me

Because He loves you like this

(Chorus)

I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All my life

And I praise the One who’s chosen me

To carry you

Such a short time

Such a long road

All this madness

But I know

That the silence

Has brought me to His voice

And He says…

I’ve shown you her photographs of time beginning

Walked her through the parted seas

Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes

Who could love her like this?

(Chorus)

“A little farther down the road” – Alan Pedersen

I know those tears you’re cryin’

I’ve been in your shoes

You feel like there’s no use in tryin’

Like there’s nothing left to lose

You take one step forward and move two steps back

You may not see it now but it won’t always be like that

(Chorus)

A little farther down the road

You’ll see the sun again

A little farther down the road

You’ll look back at where you’ve been

You’ll see how far you’ve come

And you’ll find the strength to go

A little farther down the road

This journey is not easy

It’s a windin’ road filled with twists and turns

But you can make it believe me

In time you’ll learn

A greater love comes from your deepest pain

There’s power in that love to help you rise again

(Chorus)

It’s holdin’ on it’s bitter sweet

It’s healing slow the findin’ peace

(Chorus)

     I want to preface my thoughts here by saying that I know people have great intentions and that their thought is that they are helping or are trying to help in the way they feel is best.  With that being said, sometimes even the most well intentioned words are not helpful.  Almost two weeks ago I was up late, as I usually am, and I was overcome with anger at the loss of Stella.  I was down right pissed.  I was mad at everyone and everything and I just wanted to scream.  I cried harder than I have cried in months.  I actually thought about driving to a field and screaming my head off.  Instead I just cried harder, posted my feeling on facebook along with pictures of Stella, cuddled with Stella's blanket, and went to sleep.  When I woke up the next morning I felt pretty good.  I was feeling the residue of the anger from the night before but mostly I was doing okay.  I received some positive feedback on facebook from people, especially an old friend who told it like it is.  I also received many comments of people's love for us.  I so relish all of those comments.  It is true that some of my anger was directed at people that kill their children that they don't want and mine had to die while I wanted her.  I was also angry and jealous of all those healthy kids out there and why did mine have to die and not theirs.  I am not pleased with myself for those thoughts but they were my thoughts at the time, so I felt them and then moved past them.  I did however receive some words about going to counseling and talking to people about what we were going through.  Again, while I understand that people were just trying to help, instead I felt that my thoughts and feelings weren't normal and that I shouldn't be feeling these things.  That is not what the people were telling me but that is what I felt.  I know that I am on my own path of grief and that I need to follow it instead of trying to cut through and make a path that I feel is better.  I want to be done grieving but I have to wait it out.  I will talk to someone and seek help if and when I feel it is right for me.  I don't feel that is the case right now.  I also don't feel the need to talk at length to others who have gone through what we have gone through.  I know that they are out there and that is enough for me right now.  I feel that I need to focus on Stella and my grief for her.  I want to make sure that my grief is not being influenced by others and how they dealt with their grief.  Anyway, that is all that I have to say about that.  Thank you for listening and I didn't mean to hurt any feelings, I know you all meant well.  Thank you.  God bless!