Candle Lighting Ceremony

     We went to the Worldwide Candle Lighting Ceremony a couple weeks ago.  It was a wonderful, moving night.  It was heartbreaking to see all of the people there who had lost children, some of them recently.  There was an opening speaker and then people got up to light their candles and say who they were lighting them for.  I was moved to tears by their stories.  There were so many babies.  When it was out turn I went up to talk and I couldn't get the words out.  Luckily Jordec took over for me and said,"We light this candle for our daughter Stella."  He said when she was born and died and that she lived for 2 hours with us.  I thank him for that, it was just too overwhelming for me to say out loud.  When the other people spoke, I felt so sad for them.  When it was our turn, I realized that I am them.  It broke my heart all over again to realize that our daughter Stella died.  I have been going back to that realization over and over again ever since the ceremony.  It is so hard to say the word die.  I need to say it though otherwise I am just tip-toeing around the reality of what really happened.  By just saying it outright I feel that I can get to a better place of acceptance faster than if I make it sound better by using the words 'lost', 'passed', or 'went to heaven'.  There are times and places for those words but the reality is, she died, she is dead.  It makes me hurt and miss her so much to even write those words but I don't want to float through my days feeling numb, or somewhere else.  I want to feel, even if the feeling is hurt and sadness.  I want to remember her instead of thinking of other things so that I won't hurt.  I don't need to think of her all day, I know that would do no good for me or anyone I am around, but I don't want to not think of her because it is too hard.  I know that is not good for me either.  I am not sure where the happy medium is but I am searching for it.  I need my family and friends to know that I feel that I am hurting more now at this point than right after Stella died.  I think that reality is setting in and the numbness is wearing off.  I realize more and more what we lost, a daughter and a possible future.  All of the things I see in Eliot I will never get to witness with Stella.  I am affected by external triggers more now than I did after she died.  I feel a longing to be pregnant again, to feel a baby move in my belly, to care for and nurture another child.  I find myself hugging the little girls I see a little longer that I used to.  I think about what it would be like if Stella could have grown up like them.  It is hard but I can't help myself.  I don't know how to look at them and not wonder about Stella.  Even my grown-up nieces and their Moms cause jealousy for me.  I don't know how else to describe the feeling.  I wonder if I will ever have the chance to have that kind of relationship with a daughter of my own.  I so wanted that for Stella and me.  I want that so badly and I can never have that with her.  I don't know what else to say.  I just miss her so much. I think that I haven't written here for a while because I didn't want to admit these feelings.  I just wanted to not think about my hurt and try to forget but I can never do that.  I need to forge ahead.  God bless and Merry Christmas.