On the day Stella was born. We got up with anxious excitement and headed on our way to the hospital. Eliot did not want to wake up but he perked up once we told him that Stella got to come out. He was so excited to meet her! We got to the hospital where we were meeting some family members and Fr. Connor for a small prayer service in our hospital room. We warned the front desk woman that we would be having a lot of family members coming and that they would probably be asking her where to go. We explained about Stella and she was so nice and helpful. The hospital was amazing, they even opened up a larger waiting room for the family while the operation was going on. I got hooked up to the monitors and, after a few tries, the IV’s as well. I still have a discoloration where they tried to stick me. It was so awesome to hear Stella’s heartbeat and the loud sound every time she would kick the monitor, which was a lot. We had Angel, a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, come in and take pictures from then for about a few hours. She was amazing. About a half hour before the c-section was to start, Fr. Connor and family members came into the room for the prayer service. Fr. Connor asked us who the Godparents were going to be for the baptism. We had the deer in the headlights look for a bit because we didn’t know if Stella would have Godparents or not. It was a no-brainer decision for us and we picked two of Stella’s cousins. Father said some prayers for Stella, me, Eliot, and Jordec. He also started the baptism ceremony for the family members to be a part of it. At the end, we got hugs and well wishes from everyone and a surprise. My aunt and cousin brought down my Grandma! I had been hoping that she would be there but it was hard for her to travel so I didn’t think she would be able to make it. Boy was I wrong! It was so great to see her there. I couldn’t wait for her to meet Stella.
I was wheeled down to the operating room on the NICU floor. The hospital thought that would be a better idea so that I wouldn’t have to go to a recovery room with a mother and a healthy baby. They were so thoughtful about everything. Jordec stayed with me during the epidural. Let me tell you that I would much rather get a tattoo than get an epidural. I was really starting to get nervous, both for meeting Stella and for the operation. I was laying there and my blood pressure dropped and I started to get sick and dizzy. I was trying to figure out how to throw up while laying on my back and then the operation started. They gave me some medicine and I felt better right away. I could hear them doing the surgery and I had them tell me their progress as they went. Before I knew it, Stella was about to arrive. Angel, the photographer got ready and a nurse was using our video camera to record everything. I asked for the sheet to be lowered so that I could see what was going on. I was afraid to see myself but there I was! I couldn’t see too much with the doctor’s there but I could see enough. The doctor said it was time and we all took a deep breath and Stella arrived into our world. Angel got an amazing picture of Stella with just her head out and she is smiling. It is the most awesome picture ever! As I remember it, Stella came out kicking and I swear that I heard her cry right away. After looking at the video, I realize that she didn’t cry right away, but only after they gave her a bit of help. I remember the doctor saying he could see her head, I asked if it looked the way that we had expected it to and he said yes. I think a very small part of me was hoping that the doctor’s had gotten it wrong and that everything would be okay. As soon as he said that her head looked the way we thought it would, I nodded and moved forward. We were prepared for this.
They took her over to the warmer and I asked if she was alive. They said yes and the nurse moved her finger with Stella’s heartbeat. They asked if we wanted to help her breath and we said yes! They gave her a puff of oxygen with a CPAP machine and then I heard the most beautiful little squeak of a cry from her. It was adorable and made me smile so big. I was so fearful before she was born of how she would look but I just remember her being the most beautiful girl in the entire world! She had the cutest little mouth and lots of long, curly hair. At this time, a nurse went down to inform our family what was going on in the operating room. I also remember being worried that she would pass away and I wouldn’t know it. That fear was relieved because with every breath that she took Stella made the most adorable little coo. She would squeal from time to time with certain touches and it verified to me her tenacity. Jordec cut her cord and then she was wrapped up and given to him. Jordec looked so proud to be her Daddy. It made me smile even bigger. The main feeling I was having at that time was pride. I was so proud to have a daughter and that my daughter was Stella. I was positively beaming I was so happy. Jordec brought her over and Father began the baptism. I honestly don’t remember much about the baptism because I was just soaking in Stella. She had fluid in her mouth and I was worried she would choke. The nurse sucked it out and then we just starred amazed at her. I held her hand and rubbed it over and over. She would stick out her tongue and pucker her lips. She would even blow bubbles with her spit! She didn’t move her arms and legs like other newborns but she did open her eyes. We weren’t sure if she would be able to breathe on her own much less open her eyes, stick out her tongue, and make noises. Before I knew it, Father was asking us to answer questions, I don’t even remember what they were, I just answered when he stopped talking. Father blessed us and then he was done. We were just marveling at Stella. Father then went down to the waiting room to finish up the baptism ceremony there with them, so that they could all be a part of it too.
Jordec gave me Stella and I loved to feel the weight of her on my chest. It made her so real to me. I couldn’t get enough of her. I touched her face all over and kissed her over and over. I told her to fight to stay with us longer but if the fight was too hard, then it was okay to let go and go to heaven. I wanted her to fight so hard and she did. I remember being so proud of how her fighting to breathe and stay with us. We were moved to the recovery room where I unwrapped her to see all of her. I put my hand on her chest and I could feel her heartbeat. She had her eyes open for most of that time. Jordec took her over to the warmer where they weighed her, 6 lbs 9 oz, and measured her height, 18.5 in. Jordec got her dressed in the onsie that Eliot made for her and her pink hat and booties. We wrapped her up in a fuzzy pink blanket and then she was back in my arms. She was over there for only about 10 min but it felt like forever. I kept asking if she was still cooing because I couldn’t hear that from across the room. Angel continued to take pictures and I watched Jordec dress our daughter. It was amazing to see him with his little Daddy’s girl. We didn’t have our phones with us, so Angel let us use her phone and we called my Mom so that she could hear Stella cooing. We didn’t know how long she would make noises and we wanted Mom to hear her. I guess my Mom was so excited she all but skipped down the hall.
We moved up to the postpartum room and everyone was craning their heads to get a peek of Stella. Angel was still with us taking lots of pictures, Eliot came into the room and he got a little bit of alone time with her. At first he asked who she was, then once we explained that it was Stella from Mommy’s belly, then he was excited to see her. She blew bubbles at him, which he liked. He held her for just a bit and then he was done, it was nap time and he was cranky. We only got two family pictures that are worthwhile and then Eliot was done for. Jordec’s sister came in and sat with Eliot to keep him company and before long he was asleep. Stella’s grandparents came in to meet her along with my Grandma. I was so proud of Stella and I soaked in the opportunity to show her off to everyone. Jordec’s family came in next and then we started down the long list of my family members. When my second family member came in, my sister, Stella stopped cooing. My heart froze. I looked to the nurse. Stella opened her eyes and I could tell that she was struggling. We had the nurse check her heartbeat and she said that it was slowing. My other sister was on her way in and after the nurse checked Stella’s heartbeat again and it was slowing more, we had everyone rush in to meet her. I don’t know exactly when she died but I like to believe that everyone got a chance to meet her and give her a kiss before she passed. After everyone got their turn, the nurse checked her heartbeat again. I knew that Stella had died already but I didn’t want it to be true. I looked at the nurse and she looked back at me and nodded. That was all I needed, I knew. She was gone. I cried immediately and hugged and kissed Stella. I was in my own world and it was just me and Stella. I honestly didn’t realize who was all in the room when she died because I was so focused on her. I do know that at that moment, a strong feeling of love was flooding the room. It was coming from everywhere. There were tears, yes, but they didn’t last long. Then there was only celebration of Stella and love, lots of love! We had everyone leave the room and Jordec took Stella from me. I had never seen him cry like that ever, and never since. He walked around with her and cried and cried. It broke my heart to see him that way. I composed myself as best that I could. The nurse called the doctor and he came in then to confirm that she had passed. He called her time of death at 11:30am – just two hours after Stella came into this world. God bless.
