First Holiday

     Halloween is here and I can't help but wonder what Stella would have had as her first costume.  Would it have been a cute little lady bug?  A princess?  Or something else that we made up with some crazy clothes, like a hippy.  I would have loved to have taken her out trick or treating with her big brother and watch as her eyes grew big to the lights, sounds and colors of the holiday.  Big brother Eliot would have entertained her with dancing and silly faces and she would have smiled and reached for him. 
     These nonexistent memories are the things I greive.  I wonder what should have been but can never be.  I have faith and trust in God's plan for my life and for Stella's short life.  I know that her two hours and months in the womb affected so many lives.  Yet I can't help but mourn for what never happened.  That concept of mourning for what never happened is unique to infant loss.  But that is the problem, how do you grieve what never was?  How do you mourn for someone that never lived?  There are no memories to look back on fondly and remember your beloved baby.  All of the memories, even those with some joy, are tainted by the knowledge that they are short lived.  The memories all contain the knowledge that death is coming, and at an undetermined time.  I have no memories of Stella that don't involve fear of her dying, of when she would die, how she would die, or my wishing that there was something that I could do to stop her from dying.  I lost my father when I was 5 years old and even though I barely remember him, I can relive the happy, untainted memories through my family members memories, pictures, and video.  How do I grieve Stella without these memories?  I have picked out a few very small moment in those two hours of her life that have the least amount of negativity associated with them: her beautiful voice as she cooed to us, the grip of her hand around my finger, and her peeking eyes.  These three small memories I think of often but yet it doesn't seem like enough.  I think what I need to do is relish these moments but yet I also need to deal with the fact that there are no more.  I can remember everything about those two hours and depending on my mood, make them seem happier or sadder in the moment.  I intend to use my mind to make the memories seem as happy as possible, for my sake and Stella's too.
     I realize as I re-read through this post that it seems all very negative.  That is life isn't it?  We tend to focus on the negative more than the positive.  So, here is some positive.  Many lives were affected by Stella and her short life.  Our family and friends have been amazing through our time with Stella and I have received more love and support than I ever would have thought possible.  The turnout of people at Stella's visitation and funeral are a testament to all of our support and to the amount of people that Stella had an impact on.  My husband and I have found ourselves even more close than we have ever been.  I feel an extra close bond with my mother as she has been my rock.  My faith has not been shaken and in fact I would say that it has even been strengthened.  My appreciation for my son is out of this world and I find that my patience, at times, can be tremendous.  Even with all of these positive outcomes, I would rather have my daughter here and there are still a lot of negative that I need to deal with in order to fully grieve.  In the meantime I will focus on the positive and work through the negative as best as I can, with the love and support from my family. 

Three months

     Three months ago I said hello and goodbye to my daughter.  Not a day has gone by that I haven't replayed the events of her birth through her being taken away.  I try to remember every second for I fear that as soon as I stop replaying it, then I will forget something and therefore, forget a piece of her.  By replaying the events, I am also trying to reassure myself that I did everything possible to make her life a joyful event and not one of sorrow.  I feel as if I did that, which was my goal.  However, while I look back on those events now, I find myself feeling guilty that I didn't express more outward grief in the moment.  By not crying more on that day, I feel as if Stella will think that I didn't love her as deeply as I know I did. 
     What I am trying to say here is that grief is a confusing, tricky devil who will sneak up on you when you least expect it and who will poke at you from every direction.  It is hard to see grief coming and he likes to taunt you too.  I never knew that I could feel so many different emotions at once.  I never knew that I could be so sublimely happy and beyond broken hearted at the same time but that is exactly how I felt in that hospital room.  I was a proud parent like any other but also I was dreading the inevitable outcome of Stella's death.  I struggle every day with all of these emotions; some days more than others.  Grief heightens every other emotion that you have.  When I am frustrated or angry, it comes quickly and with a vengence.  I am working to deal with these fast, strong emotions but it is a daily struggle.  I have confusion on what I am really feeling and why.  I go through days where I feel numb to anything and I relish these days because it is much easier than the emotional roller coaster days.  On those days, I don't even feel like myself anymore.  I feel like grief has taken over and that it is controlling me.  It is on those days that I find that I don't like myself.  I take my emotions out on my husband and my son and that is not fair.  I want to be able to calm myself down and figure out where the emotions are coming from, what are they really about.  I will figure it out someday, maybe even through this blog. 
     For all of you out there that have lost an infant and especially those that knew their child would die upon birth, I am here.  I know that there are others out there who have gone through this just as you and I have.  We all will get through this, that I know.  It is the process of getting through it that I am not sure how to do.  As I go through my postings, I will look back to the beginning of my story with Stella and the process which has gotten me here, to three months.  God bless.