I have dreams about Stella quite often. Usually they are very brief and all that I see is Stella in pigtails and a white dress dancing, or laughing. She is always so happy and joyful. I know that I am seeing Stella in heaven. Those dreams get me through the days where I miss her so much that it hurts. One dream that was so vivid is when I saw my Grandparents, who died this year, in their rocking chairs with my Dad, who died when I was five, laying on the floor waiting to play tractors with Stella. All of them were smiling and seemed to be radiating joy. Stella was wearing a white cotton dress with dark blue flowers on the top part. She had on clear, sparkly Mary Jane shoes and had her hair in curly pigtails. She seemed concerned about me and all of us here. I felt that she was letting all of us know that everything is okay and as it should be. I woke up with a smile and I can still picture the whole dream. It was amazing! When I see these dreams, I know that I am looking at Stella in heaven. I believe in God's plan even more because how could I ever want to take Stella away from a place that is obviously so full of love, joy and happiness. Although I want her here, she was never mine to claim. She was on loan to me here and is now with God, where she was meant to be. My dreams have helped me to realize this and to completely believe it.
At six months, I can take stock of Stella's short life and her impact on me and others. I know that I will never be the same and I don't want to be. Stella's life has forever altered who I am at the core and I am thankful. I find myself striving to be the best mother, wife, sister, daughter, and friend that I can be. As cliche as it may be, I do realize the importance of life even more now and the importance of the people in my life. I am trying to treat them well, not take them for granted, and appreciate them, just as they are. I know that others have been affected positively as well. I would love for those people to comment here on the blog how Stella's life has impacted their life. We are having a Stella celebration for her six month anniversary in heaven. We are having friends over for company and to remember Stella. I can't tell you how much it means to have friends that want to help us commemorate this milestone for Stella, and us. It means so much. I thank them and all of those that want to be here and can't. I know who you are!
I still have good days and bad days. The good days far outnumber the bad days but when I have a bad day, it seems to really be a bad day, at least lately. Recently, the small amount of bad days I've had have centered on anger. I have been angry that Stella had to die, simple as that. I do not blame God, nor to I blame anyone. My anger is only at the situation itself, not at anyone. It is a short lived but intense anger that quickly passes when I see Eliot or Jordec. I give them a hug and a kiss and I am able to move on. Just knowing that there are people that I can call when I am having a bad day is sometimes enough to get me out of my funk. Thank you to all of the people that are there for me, even if I don't use you! My good days involve me appreciating Eliot and Jordec, along with the rest of the people in my life. On my good days, I think of Stella often with a big smile on my face. I am able to talk about her with love and pride only, no sadness. I still love to talk about her more and more every day; you parents understand wanting to talk about your children! Thank you to everyone who listens to me talk about Stella, especially if it is hard for you to hear. I appreciate your listening.
I don't have much more to say, except to those that have recently lost their baby, it does get better. The bad days lessen and the good days expand before you know it. When you remember your baby, the sad memories slowly get outnumbered with the happy ones and those are the ones that I truly cherish. With love and God's blessings, Stella's Mommy.
