Today we visited my friend who recently had a new baby. My friend is doing wonderfully and so is the little one. I was really worried about what emotions would come up in seeing her little girl for the first time. I have been around other babies but not a newborn since Stella has passed. As in a previous blog, I already had many feelings arise concerning my friend's new baby girl. So, when we go there today, I was concerned and took it slow. I wanted to see how my friend was doing first as the moms sometimes get forgotten about when everyone goes straight for the baby. So I caught up with my friend and then went to see her darling daughter.
I do not know what I was so worried about. Yes I had some emotions come up that I was expecting but not nearly to the degree that I thought they would be. It was such a joy to see the little bundle in a pretty dress that I helped pick out and to hold her close. I was so happy for my friends and their precious girl, and big brother too. I did have some emotions of missing Stella and wishing we could have had the same thing with her but they were fleeting and not too bad. I was worried that I would somehow want her little girl for my own and luckily that feeling didn't occur at all. I knew this was not Stella and I had no emotions otherwise. Holding her daughter just made me want Stella. This made me happy as I was concerned that I would feel that having another child our self would make me feel like we were replacing Stella. Now I think that won't happen with us. I know that I will always want Stella. She is our daughter in her own right and can never be replaced. I'm glad that is the feeling I had but I wasn't sure. You never know with grief how you will react.
I think the hardest part for me was watching my friend with her daughter. To see my friend be able to take care of her, feed her, and calm her down the only way a mother can, is what I wish I could have had with Stella but didn't have enough time to experience. I yearn for that with Stella. I wanted and still want more time with her. I know that I can't and it makes it difficult but I feel that today was a big step in my journey to wanting another child. We will always have the fear that our next child could have Anencephaly as well, as our chances are increased. I also know that any child of ours will be loved however long they are here on this earth with us and that we must trust in God. I trust in you God to be with us as we travel on our path that you have set out for us. Trust in God for you own paths in life and you will be rewarded! God bless!
