Three months ago I said hello and goodbye to my daughter. Not a day has gone by that I haven't replayed the events of her birth through her being taken away. I try to remember every second for I fear that as soon as I stop replaying it, then I will forget something and therefore, forget a piece of her. By replaying the events, I am also trying to reassure myself that I did everything possible to make her life a joyful event and not one of sorrow. I feel as if I did that, which was my goal. However, while I look back on those events now, I find myself feeling guilty that I didn't express more outward grief in the moment. By not crying more on that day, I feel as if Stella will think that I didn't love her as deeply as I know I did.
What I am trying to say here is that grief is a confusing, tricky devil who will sneak up on you when you least expect it and who will poke at you from every direction. It is hard to see grief coming and he likes to taunt you too. I never knew that I could feel so many different emotions at once. I never knew that I could be so sublimely happy and beyond broken hearted at the same time but that is exactly how I felt in that hospital room. I was a proud parent like any other but also I was dreading the inevitable outcome of Stella's death. I struggle every day with all of these emotions; some days more than others. Grief heightens every other emotion that you have. When I am frustrated or angry, it comes quickly and with a vengence. I am working to deal with these fast, strong emotions but it is a daily struggle. I have confusion on what I am really feeling and why. I go through days where I feel numb to anything and I relish these days because it is much easier than the emotional roller coaster days. On those days, I don't even feel like myself anymore. I feel like grief has taken over and that it is controlling me. It is on those days that I find that I don't like myself. I take my emotions out on my husband and my son and that is not fair. I want to be able to calm myself down and figure out where the emotions are coming from, what are they really about. I will figure it out someday, maybe even through this blog.
For all of you out there that have lost an infant and especially those that knew their child would die upon birth, I am here. I know that there are others out there who have gone through this just as you and I have. We all will get through this, that I know. It is the process of getting through it that I am not sure how to do. As I go through my postings, I will look back to the beginning of my story with Stella and the process which has gotten me here, to three months. God bless.
