We were so excited on our trip to the doctor. I couldn't wait to see if we were going to have a girl or another boy. I was watching our baby niece that day and so we took her along with us. Jordec, Eliot and I all waited patently until they called my name. We went in the room and got ready to check out the baby. The woman asked if we wanted to find out the sex and we said yes! She told us we were going to have a girl. We were so excited! I remember saying that my family was right and that she was our little Stella Sue. The woman the proceeded to do the body and organ check on Stella. She said everything looked good. Then she started pushing really hard on my stomach and it hurt. I told her that and she said sorry but then kept doing it. That should have tipped me off but it didn't at the time. I had been worried about her organs but I was assured that they were all in working order. The woman then said that she was having a hard time seeing the top of the baby's head. I remember thinking that it was a weird thing for her to say. I thought that maybe she was just sitting too low in my pelvis. The woman printed a few pictures then said she was going to talk with the doctor about the head. We went out into the waiting room and tried to decide if we should be worried. The nurse called our name right away and we were ushered into a conference room. I knew that it was not good when I wasn't in an exam room.
We sat down at the table with our sleeping niece in the car seat between us and Eliot on my lap. I noticed that the only thing on the table was a box of tissues. The doctor sat down, looked at us and said, "It's not good.". She then told us that the lab tech couldn't see the top of Stella's head and that meant that she didn't have a brain. I remember being so confused. I told her that I feel Stella moving all of the time and surely you can't move without a brain. I guess you can in the womb. My body was acting as Stella's brain as long as she was in the womb. The only part that formed was the brain stem. The top of her head didn't form. This all happened in the fourth week of pregnancy, before we even knew that we were pregnant. This is called anencephaly and there was nothing that could be done, she said. Anencephaly is incompatible with life, so our Stella would die, she just didn't know when. I lost it then. I cried harder than I had ever cried at that point in my life. Eliot got very worried about me and Jordec who was crying too, our niece was still sleeping. Some nurses took Eliot into the hallway and gave him candy to keep him occupied for us. The doctors told us how sorry they were and they cried with us. I just couldn't stop hugging my belly and crying. I was in such disbelief. I hurt so badly and just wanted to be anywhere else. One of my first thoughts was that I wished she could have just miscarried early on so I wouldn't have had the time to bond, or the decision that was given to us to terminate or continue. To us it wasn't a choice because we weren't going to stop her life, that was God's decision to make. I quickly pushed that thought out of my head because clearly that was not God's plan for Stella or for us. We were meant to go through this for some reason and so I clung to that thought.
We left there in tears, with our sunglasses covering them up, and an appointment for a specialist to do another, more thorough ultrasound the next morning. I did my best to keep it cool while we went to drop our niece off with her Mom. We got there and as soon as I tried to talk, I lost it again. I couldn't form words and I just kept crying and hugging my belly. I just wanted her to be okay but there was nothing I could do. The feeling of helplessness was overwhelming. We stayed there a bit to get our bearings and then headed home. Jordec called his family on the way home and I had to listen to him repeat over and over that our Stella was going to die. Once again, I tried to keep it together on the way home for our safety as I was driving. I almost made it but about 6 blocks away, I lost it again. I couldn't breathe it was such an heavy emotion. I kept breathing quickly and sobbing. We got home and I got myself composed enough to call my Mom. She was at my Grandparents so after I told her, she told them and they started praying right away. My Mom said she would be down that day, as soon as she could. My Mom and Step-Dad were here a few hours later. In the meantime I had called my cousin who lives in town and she came over, along with her husband and three kids to help distract us. It was nice to think about something else for awhile. I cried off and on that evening but my appetite was gone. I didn't eat until the next day, I just didn't care enough as my emotions were so overpowering of any other urge in me. I went to go to bed and just laid there in the quiet and I lost it again. All I could do was think about losing my daughter and I didn't want to. I just wanted God to take it away from me because it hurt too much. I went out to the living room and sat and cried with my Mom until I got so tired that I could finally sleep.
I will write more about finding out the bad news another time. This was all that I could handle tonight. Thank you for being there and God bless!
