Stella’s Story Part 5: Anticipation

           It was so hard to wait for Stella.  We had no way of knowing if she would come early, die in the womb and if so, then when, or if she would go full-term but then be born dead, or die right away or live for minutes, hours, or days.  The unknown aspect of the pregnancy with Stella was the hardest part of all of it.  You would think that the actual death of Stella would have been the hardest.  While that was extremely hard, we knew it was coming.  What was painful, every day, was not knowing when she would die.  I would be so fearful when I didn’t feel her move for a while.  I got so that I would poke and prod my belly to make her move.  That was the only comfort that I had, feeling her move.  I woke up each day wondering if that would be the day that she would die.  I hoped a prayed that she would make it full-term but deep down I didn’t think that she would make it.  I rushed to get everything ready for her.  God’s plan is funny, He needed me to slow down, so He threw out my back the week before Stella was born.  I think he was saying to slow down and have some time with Stella in peace.  I laid in bed and cuddled with my belly, talked to Stella and prayed.  It was a nice relaxing time before she arrived and the crazy week began. 

We tried to do things with Stella and take her places that we would have taken her had she lived.  We went swimming lots, she really seemed to love that!  She would move like crazy when I was floating in the water.  We went to the zoo and we made sure to take pictures of Eliot and my belly.  We wanted Eliot to have these experiences with his sister too.  We went to a baseball game, a hockey game, and we watched fireworks.  We visited lots of friends and family and we enjoyed talking about Stella and to Stella.  It was hard to go out and about and see other pregnant women.  I felt so jealous of their fortune and our pending doom.  I also was dreading the inevitable questions from strangers of when I was due, the gender, etc.  Luckily I think that my fearful attitude for these questions was enough of a deterrent for people to not ask any questions.  I think I only got those questions about two or three times.  I just smiled and told them the truth.  I was x number of months along, we were having a girl named Stella Sue.  If they continued on with the questions, which only happened twice, then I politely told them that she is not going to make it.  Let me tell you, that can really shut people up!  The first time, the person just said sorry and walked away.  I just smiled and shook my head.  The next time, the woman apologized, said how sorry she was and then asked more questions.  It was amazing.  She didn’t run away and instead we ended up crying together while I explained, simply and briefly, what was going on.  She said she would keep us in her prayers.  We had a lot of people that we didn’t know who reached out to us.  Our neighbors friend came over and prayed with us out of the blue.  It was very moving.  God surely is amazing! 

Eliot ‘played’ with Stella by driving cars on my belly and tickling her.  She responded to his touch and voice by kicking him.  He loved to feel her move and he said that she was playing with him too.  The day Stella was set to arrive, we woke up anxious and excited to meet our little girl.  Part of me couldn’t wait, but the other part of me dreaded the day and wanted to run and hide from it.  There was nothing more that we could do for her.  We had done all that we could to make sure we had as many memories before she arrived as we could.  We took pictures and took the time to bond with her.  I knew that we had done enough so that we wouldn’t have any regrets.  I didn’t want to have any regrets.  I feared that regrets would just pain me more and extend my grief.  That is why I prepared for her birth in many ways.  I wanted to have everything planned out so that I would have no regrets.  I don’t have any now.  I miss Stella and love her more than I could ever believe.  God bless.