April 5th, no longer just my nephew's birthday but a date that will hold hard memories. That is the date we found out that our daughter, Stella, was going to die. It will forever be a date where we hold our breath and remember. I have already gone over the emotions of that day in a previous blog but what I have not gone over were some of the crazy thoughts that went through my head. It is really hard for me to admit these thoughts but I want others to know that irrational thoughts can be normal and they are not something to be ashamed of. After we were told that she would die and we were driving home processing the information, I had thoughts about why she was still alive? Why couldn’t she have just died early on and then I wouldn’t have to deal with all of this? I thought that a miscarriage would have been so much easier and I had a fleeting wish for her to just die right then so I wouldn’t have to deal with the upcoming uncertain months. I was also upset that we had found out about Stella’s anencephaly and I wished that we could have not known so that we could have lived in ignorant bliss. These thoughts didn’t last very long, just the trip home, a mere 15 minutes. I haven’t shared them with many people because I was ashamed of them. It never crossed my mind to even contemplate an abortion/termination and yet I had wished for her to die. I immediately asked for forgiveness and then I moved on, the shame gone. I know now that these thoughts were just my way of starting the grief process. It was a way of being in denial, or wanting to be, and of being angry and not wanting to be in the situation. By owning up to these thoughts to a few people right away, and asking for forgiveness, I was able to move past them, not dwell on them, and continue the pregnancy with joy and faithfulness in my heart.
God truly has a plan and He planned for Stella to be with us full-term and to affect many people with her short life. Now, I couldn’t imagine her dying right after we found out because I needed all of that time to get physical things ready to mother her and to also get my emotions ready to mother her during her short life. I wouldn’t take back the two hours of life we had with her for any comfort on my part. Jesus was holding me in His hands the whole time and He is the reason for any strength that I had during the process. During my recent hour of adoration with the Eucharist, I looked back at the moment that Stella passed away and I wondered how I held it together. I cried but only for a moment. How did I smile after that? How did I not cry out and be angry? How did I have the strength to continue on that day? The answer came to me, shouting in my head, it was because Jesus was with me. It was because He was holding me, just as I was holding Stella. He was loving His daughter as I was loving mine. With Easter just a few days away, I can empathize and relate with Mary. How amazing is she? She knew that her child was going to die when she was pregnant and she watched Him suffer on the cross and die. What faith and trust she had and yet she grieved. That is a good example for me, I can have all the faith and trust in Jesus but yet it is okay to grieve, to be sad, and to miss our beloved. Thank you Jesus, for carrying me through Stella’s death. Thank you Jesus, for dying for my sins and for saving me so that I may one day join Stella in heaven with You. Thank you, for everything.
