We took Eliot trick or treating and he had a blast. It was such a joy for me to watch him run to the door and knock without hesitation. He knew what he had to do and he behaved so well! I actually found myself in a pure moment of happiness. There were no negative thoughts rolling around in my head and I was present in the moment with my family, enjoying Halloween. After we returned home, the story changed a bit. Eliot still behaved well and even went to bed without much of a fight for once but my thoughts turned back to Stella. We asked Eliot before he went to bed if he thought that Stella dressed up as something for Halloween in heaven. He was for sure that she did and when we asked what he thought she dressed up as he said, "Something scary". I told him that I didn't think that they had scary costumes in heaven, only nice, beautiful ones. He seemed to like that idea then we decided that she would have been a happy bumblebee. I loved being able to picture Stella as a toddler runnning in her costume with her antenae bouncing around on her head along with her dark curls. I wonder, do you think Jesus makes the children ring a doorbell or is the candy sitting on the stoop in a honor system? Are there decorations in heaven and what do you think is Jesus' costume? It was a wonderful experience to include Stella in this holiday in that way, I only wish she could have been here to experience it fully with us. I would like to believe that she is able to experience all of these trivial earthly events in heaven just as we do here on our earthly plane.
I know that there are many things that Stella experiences that we can only dream of and for that I am grateful. I like knowing that she is being watched over. She has an 'adopted' family in heaven and many family members to take care of her. I imagine Mary rocking her to sleep and playing with her cousins that were lost to miscarrage. Stella's Grandpa Melvin and Great-Grandparents would argue over who's turn it was to hold her and brush her hair. The love that she feels is amazing and I can only imagine a small percentage of what that love must feel like. I have great love in my life from my husband, son, and family members but the love that she experiences must dwarf my knowledge of love. I love knowing that she is being cradled by Jesus. Although I feel it is my job to do that, I suppose Jesus will have to do! ;)
I love watching Eliot talk about his sister. He loves to look at pictures of her, cuddle with her animals that he has claimed, and he loves to give her kisses every night before bed. Our bedtime routine consists of the usual jammies, brushing and such but then after we pray, we give hugs and kisses. We always ask Eliot who gets the kisses first tonight and I wonder why we ask because it is always Stella. He runs to the picture we have of them together, where he is blowing rasberries on her cheek, and he kisses her so tenderly. Then Mom and Dad get hugs and kisses. After all of that love, Eliot then proceeds to blow kisses to heaven to Stella and then one to Jesus. Stella even gets kisses before Jesus! Last night, Eliot blew about 20 kisses to heaven to Stella. He said she needed a lot of them tonight. I am not sure how much of everything she understands but for a boy a few days shy of turning three, he really seems to know enough. I have a locket that I wear that has some of Stella's hair in it and Eliot loves to look at it. He will come and sit on my lap and ask if he can see Stella's hair. I always tell him yes and he opens the locket, looks at the hair, and says, "It is very long and curly". Then we talk about how pretty Stella was and about different features she had or about memories from the day she was born, or even about when she was in Mommy's tummy. He remembers that before she was born he would drive his cars on my belly and 'play with Stella'. He likes to talk about all of these things and I love to talk about them with him. In this way, I get to have both of my children with me at the same time and Stella's memory will live on through Eliot. The one thing that I know is that Eliot is a very good big brother and I hope that someday he will have another sibling that he can love as much as he loves Stella. I love you buddy!
As hard as our story has been to deal with, I cannot imagine what it must be like to lose your firstborn. I clung to Eliot during the rest of the pregnancy and now as well. To know that we could create a child that is 'normal' and 'compatible with life' relieved some of our stress. I know that it will be scary and painful to try and have more children but we will have to take that as it comes. Also, the phrase 'incompatible with life' is a phrase that I hate, but we will save that for another blog. To all of you that have a child or children at home, hug them and love them as they will help you through your tough times. To those of you that don't have a child at home, cling to each other or a loved one. I cannot pretend to know what to say to you, or what to say to anyone. I can only tell you what worked for me and what has helped me through the days. If that helps you, then great, if not, try something else, then something else, until you find something that helps. We are all created different and that is beautiful, so let us recognize that and love ourselves and our unique process of dealing with grief. God bless!
