Big Brother

    We took Eliot trick or treating and he had a blast.  It was such a joy for me to watch him run to the door and knock without hesitation.  He knew what he had to do and he behaved so well!  I actually found myself in a pure moment of happiness.  There were no negative thoughts rolling around in my head and I was present in the moment with my family, enjoying Halloween.  After we returned home, the story changed a bit.  Eliot still behaved well and even went to bed without much of a fight for once but my thoughts turned back to Stella.  We asked Eliot before he went to bed if he thought that Stella dressed up as something for Halloween in heaven.  He was for sure that she did and when we asked what he thought she dressed up as he said, "Something scary".  I told him that I didn't think that they had scary costumes in heaven, only nice, beautiful ones.  He seemed to like that idea then we decided that she would have been a happy bumblebee.  I loved being able to picture Stella as a toddler runnning in her costume with her antenae bouncing around on her head along with her dark curls.  I wonder, do you think Jesus makes the children ring a doorbell or is the candy sitting on the stoop in a honor system?  Are there decorations in heaven and what do you think is Jesus' costume?  It was a wonderful experience to include Stella in this holiday in that way, I only wish she could have been here to experience it fully with us.  I would like to believe that she is able to experience all of these trivial earthly events in heaven just as we do here on our earthly plane. 
     I know that there are many things that Stella experiences that we can only dream of and for that I am grateful.  I like knowing that she is being watched over.  She has an 'adopted' family in heaven and many family members to take care of her.  I imagine Mary rocking her to sleep and playing with her cousins that were lost to miscarrage.  Stella's Grandpa Melvin and Great-Grandparents would argue over who's turn it was to hold her and brush her hair.  The love that she feels is amazing and I can only imagine a small percentage of what that love must feel like.  I have great love in my life from my husband, son, and family members but the love that she experiences must dwarf my knowledge of love.  I love knowing that she is being cradled by Jesus.  Although I feel it is my job to do that, I suppose Jesus will have to do! ;)       
    I love watching Eliot talk about his sister.  He loves to look at pictures of her, cuddle with her animals that he has claimed, and he loves to give her kisses every night before bed.  Our bedtime routine consists of the usual jammies, brushing and such but then after we pray, we give hugs and kisses.  We always ask Eliot who gets the kisses first tonight and I wonder why we ask because it is always Stella.  He runs to the picture we have of them together, where he is blowing rasberries on her cheek, and he kisses her so tenderly.  Then Mom and Dad get hugs and kisses.  After all of that love, Eliot then proceeds to blow kisses to heaven to Stella and then one to Jesus.  Stella even gets kisses before Jesus!  Last night, Eliot blew about 20 kisses to heaven to Stella.  He said she needed a lot of them tonight.  I am not sure how much of everything she understands but for a boy a few days shy of turning three, he really seems to know enough.  I have a locket that I wear that has some of Stella's hair in it and Eliot loves to look at it.  He will come and sit on my lap and ask if he can see Stella's hair.  I always tell him yes and he opens the locket, looks at the hair, and says, "It is very long and curly".  Then we talk about how pretty Stella was and about different features she had or about memories from the day she was born, or even about when she was in Mommy's tummy.  He remembers that before she was born he would drive his cars on my belly and 'play with Stella'.  He likes to talk about all of these things and I love to talk about them with him.  In this way, I get to have both of my children with me at the same time and Stella's memory will live on through Eliot.  The one thing that I know is that Eliot is a very good big brother and I hope that someday he will have another sibling that he can love as much as he loves Stella.  I love you buddy!
    As hard as our story has been to deal with, I cannot imagine what it must be like to lose your firstborn.  I clung to Eliot during the rest of the pregnancy and now as well.  To know that we could create a child that is 'normal' and 'compatible with life' relieved some of our stress.  I know that it will be scary and painful to try and have more children but we will have to take that as it comes.  Also, the phrase 'incompatible with life' is a phrase that I hate, but we will save that for another blog.  To all of you that have a child or children at home, hug them and love them as they will help you through your tough times.  To those of you that don't have a child at home, cling to each other or a loved one.  I cannot pretend to know what to say to you, or what to say to anyone.  I can only tell you what worked for me and what has helped me through the days.  If that helps you, then great, if not, try something else, then something else, until you find something that helps.  We are all created different and that is beautiful, so let us recognize that and love ourselves and our unique process of dealing with grief.  God bless!

First Holiday

     Halloween is here and I can't help but wonder what Stella would have had as her first costume.  Would it have been a cute little lady bug?  A princess?  Or something else that we made up with some crazy clothes, like a hippy.  I would have loved to have taken her out trick or treating with her big brother and watch as her eyes grew big to the lights, sounds and colors of the holiday.  Big brother Eliot would have entertained her with dancing and silly faces and she would have smiled and reached for him. 
     These nonexistent memories are the things I greive.  I wonder what should have been but can never be.  I have faith and trust in God's plan for my life and for Stella's short life.  I know that her two hours and months in the womb affected so many lives.  Yet I can't help but mourn for what never happened.  That concept of mourning for what never happened is unique to infant loss.  But that is the problem, how do you grieve what never was?  How do you mourn for someone that never lived?  There are no memories to look back on fondly and remember your beloved baby.  All of the memories, even those with some joy, are tainted by the knowledge that they are short lived.  The memories all contain the knowledge that death is coming, and at an undetermined time.  I have no memories of Stella that don't involve fear of her dying, of when she would die, how she would die, or my wishing that there was something that I could do to stop her from dying.  I lost my father when I was 5 years old and even though I barely remember him, I can relive the happy, untainted memories through my family members memories, pictures, and video.  How do I grieve Stella without these memories?  I have picked out a few very small moment in those two hours of her life that have the least amount of negativity associated with them: her beautiful voice as she cooed to us, the grip of her hand around my finger, and her peeking eyes.  These three small memories I think of often but yet it doesn't seem like enough.  I think what I need to do is relish these moments but yet I also need to deal with the fact that there are no more.  I can remember everything about those two hours and depending on my mood, make them seem happier or sadder in the moment.  I intend to use my mind to make the memories seem as happy as possible, for my sake and Stella's too.
     I realize as I re-read through this post that it seems all very negative.  That is life isn't it?  We tend to focus on the negative more than the positive.  So, here is some positive.  Many lives were affected by Stella and her short life.  Our family and friends have been amazing through our time with Stella and I have received more love and support than I ever would have thought possible.  The turnout of people at Stella's visitation and funeral are a testament to all of our support and to the amount of people that Stella had an impact on.  My husband and I have found ourselves even more close than we have ever been.  I feel an extra close bond with my mother as she has been my rock.  My faith has not been shaken and in fact I would say that it has even been strengthened.  My appreciation for my son is out of this world and I find that my patience, at times, can be tremendous.  Even with all of these positive outcomes, I would rather have my daughter here and there are still a lot of negative that I need to deal with in order to fully grieve.  In the meantime I will focus on the positive and work through the negative as best as I can, with the love and support from my family.