About Me

I have a wonderful husband, Jordec, and we have been married since 2007. We have a son, Eliot, who was born in 2008 and our daughter, Stella, was born in 2011. Stella passed away after two hours of life. We were told her death was going to happen while we were 5 months along in the pregnancy and we prepared as best as we could for her arrival and death. We will claim her and love her forever. As I tried to understand what was happening, I realized that there is not very much information out there about dealing with infant death and, more specifically, dealing with an impending death of your unborn child. It was difficult to navigate through the emotions while feeling alone and uninformed. As I try to figure out how to live life now that Stella is gone, I realized that the grief literature is also slim when it comes to infant death and, again, especially when it comes to impending unborn death. I felt that if nothing else, my thoughts might help someone else understand that they are not alone and that what they are going through has happened to someone else.

November 29, 2011

Four months

    Four months has come and is almost gone since Stella arrived and said goodbye to us, all on the same morning.  She has become such a large part of my life that in a way it seems as if she didn't die.  When the realization comes that she is not here and did die, my heart breaks all over again.  That is how today is for me.  I am feeling the loss of Stella today almost as badly as right after we found out she would die, and right after she was taken away from us at the hospital.  I am feeling the hole in my heart and my arms are aching for her, physically aching.  I cannot express enough the emptiness that I feel.  Right after she was taken from us, my stomach felt empty, my arms empty and, now especially, part of my heart feels empty.  I have recently lowered my dosage of depression medication and I feel that is the reason why I am feeling this way.  It sound weird, but I am happy that I feel this way, at least today.  I have not felt this way since after her funeral.  I have felt numb inside.  I sometimes feel that I have not outwardly grieved enough, that I have not cried enough and fully felt the pain of my loss.  Days like today make me realize that I do feel that loss and that I am still living.  I am able to deal with the pain and the heartache now because of that numbness I had.  The body is an amazing machine.  It numbs us so that we can go through the motions to live.  When we are ready the numbness wears off, a bit at a time, to allow us to grieve in a more healthy, safe way.  I wonder if this happens a lot with other people too.  I know that is how it is going with me.  I think the numbness is wearing off and I'm glad.  I am ready to deal with the pain and, in turn, love Stella through my loss of her. 
   I know that I am glad Stella is a part of my life.  I know that God made her in His likeness for me to borrow until it was time for her to go home.  God knew how long that she would live and He knew that it would cause me pain, but He knows more than any of us and I trust in His path for me.  It is not easy to write those words as I don't always feel that way.  I repeat the words to myself when I don't feel that way and it doesn't take long for me to truly believe them.  Please pray for us as the numbness wears off and the pain starts again.  I know that I could use it, and I don't know who would turn down prayers.  God bless all of you and thanks for listening.  It really helps me to know that people are still there for us and that people care what we are going through.  
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