Christmas Tree

    I decorated our Christmas tree today.  I look forward to doing that every year.  This year it was almost as enjoyable but I realized that we would never have handmade ornaments from Stella like we will from Eliot.  I found some things to decorate the tree to remember Stella.  I put one of the bracelets we had made to remember her on the tree.  I also put a rosary like the one she was buried with on the tree.  I like to use unique and personal ornaments to decorate the tree.  These ornaments allow for memories to spark and we can reminisce about them all season long.  I intend to use the bracelet and rosary to do the same thing.  I want these items to spark the memory of Stella.  I never want those memories to go away.  In time, the memories will just become happier and happier and the sadness in them will slowly diminish.  Although the sadness may never go away,  I would rather have the memories around than to forget them. 
     I plan to take Stella with me to our Christmas', in my heart as well as with pictures.  I know that I will talk about her and wonder what she is doing in heaven for Christmas.  I know that our families will talk about her and look at pictures of her too.  By doing these things, her memory stays alive with me, as well as with the rest of our families.  Stella is a part of my life.  I miss her every day, some days more than others.  I wouldn't trade ANY memory of Stella, even the ones that make me sad. 
    I picture Stella in heaven with shoulder length, ringlet curled hair, running with a beautiful dress flowing behind her.  She is about 4 and I picture her huge smile with dimples in her chubby cheeks and my Wiese nose.  She is giggling and her eyes are sparkling.  She is being chased by someone who wants to tickle her; it could be Jesus, or her Grandpa, or another loving relative who arrived in heaven before her.  They catch her, tickle her, pick her up and swing her around.  I see her looking at me smiling, in a way that is telling me that she is alright and that she has plenty of people to take care of her.  I am not ready to go to heaven yet, but a part of me can't wait until that is me in heaven catching her and twirling her around.  This the 'memory' of the dream, that I have often.  I believe that this is Stella talking to me.  It may seem far fetched to some but if you had this dream like I have, you would believe it too. 
    Since I have never been through a holiday season without Stella.  I will post below some words of wisdom from someone else that has been through it.  I found it on a support website so I just copied and pasted here.  Some of it I think I will go through and some of it I don't but we are all different in our grief.  May their tips help give you some ideas about how to survive and thrive during the holidays but, when in doubt, PRAY!  God bless!

Coping with the Holidays While Grieving -  Written by Cindy Haugen

            Christmas has always been a time for family.  But when you feel like a part of your family is missing, it can be a particularly difficult time of year.  Although it has been thirteen years not, I vividly remember our first Christmas after Bret died.  He was born with angel wings in August 1995, but his original due date was November 30.  Therefore, we had planned on having a new baby with whom to celebrate Christmas with that year.  That Christmas, I worried that my emptiness would swallow me. 

            In the past, I relished our tradition of opening up a nice bottle of wine, cranking up the Christmas carols on the stereo, and helping our son put as many lights and ornaments on the tree as we could without toppling it over.  That Christmas, we continued our tradition for our son’s sake, but my heart just wasn’t in it.  Everything took on new meaning that year. Remembering that is was baby Jesus’ birthday just reminded me of the baby I lost.  The angel we always put on top of the tree grained new significance – I prayed an angel like that one would be watching over my baby.  Shortly after Bret died, we were touched to find a teddy angel ornament that was dressed in blue.  That Christmas, it was the last ornament we put on the tree, and many tears flowed that night as we ached for our baby boy to be with us.  I dreaded Christmas day, not wanting to revisit my pain. 

            But like most other anxious experiences, the time leading up to the event was worse than the day itself.  On Christmas morning, I began to find solace in the symbolism of the season, and I found a lot of comfort in our little blue teddy angel.  I felt as though Bret was there with us.  Losing Bret made me cherish my son and husband even more.  It turned out to be one of the most meaningful Christmas seasons I had ever experienced.

            The most important tip for handling the holidays after a major loss is to be gentle with yourself, and do what feels the most comfortable.  Here are some other suggestions:

·         Acknowledge that Christmas is coming.  As much as you may want to avoid it, you can’t.

·         Try not to ‘float’ into Christmas.  Be deliberate in choosing what you would like to do.

·         Avoid thinking about what you ‘should’ do.  You need to do what is right for you instead of feeling obligated.  Decide to do what you can manage and let your friends and family know.  There are no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ ways to celebrate the holidays.

·         Make Christmas a ‘season’ rather than a day.  Trying to do too much on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day will put too much pressure on you.

·         Don’t take on too much.  Decide on your priorities, including baking, decorating, sending greeting cards, or having a large family dinner.  Are these things that really need to be done?  If so, perhaps others can assist you.

·         Set times for the things you really want to do.  If you don’t schedule it, it probably won’t happen.

·         If you plan to shop, create a list ahead of time so it is ready for when you feel up to it.  Or you may consider catalogue shopping.

·         Realize that Christmas won’t be the same.  Honor your feelings and don’t pretend you are happy if you are not.  The holidays may increase your feelings of sadness.  It’s okay.  Share your feelings with your supportive family and friends.

·         Try altering your Christmas traditions, and create new ones, if that feels comfortable.  Or you can just change the schedule of your traditions.  For example, if you are accustomed having a large dinner on Christmas Day, perhaps have it on another day instead. 

·         Honor your baby.  For example, you may hang a special tree ornament, or burn a special candle in his/her memory.  Another suggestion is hanging a stocking in which family members can put notes expressing their thoughts and feelings.  You may also donate a gift to charity in memory of your baby, of the money that you would have spent purchasing gifts for your little one.  Remembering is healing. 

·         Attend a special candlelight ceremony or church service. 

·         Take care of yourself.  Create a balance by making time for socializing and time alone.  Get plenty of rest, because the holidays can be very draining.  Exercise, eat well and take care of yourself spiritually.

·         Remember that time and love from a relaxed you is the best gift for your family and friends.

·         Having fun will not dishonor your baby.  After all you have been through you deserve some happiness.  Allow yourself and your family to take pleasure in the holidays.  Wouldn’t your baby want that?

And as hard as it may be, keep in mind that you will come to enjoy Christmas again in the future.  May the meaning of Christmas be deeper, its friendship stronger, and its hopes brighter as it comes to you this year.