About Me

I have a wonderful husband, Jordec, and we have been married since 2007. We have a son, Eliot, who was born in 2008 and our daughter, Stella, was born in 2011. Stella passed away after two hours of life. We were told her death was going to happen while we were 5 months along in the pregnancy and we prepared as best as we could for her arrival and death. We will claim her and love her forever. As I tried to understand what was happening, I realized that there is not very much information out there about dealing with infant death and, more specifically, dealing with an impending death of your unborn child. It was difficult to navigate through the emotions while feeling alone and uninformed. As I try to figure out how to live life now that Stella is gone, I realized that the grief literature is also slim when it comes to infant death and, again, especially when it comes to impending unborn death. I felt that if nothing else, my thoughts might help someone else understand that they are not alone and that what they are going through has happened to someone else.

November 3, 2011

Peaceful Days

"Do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart”

     I had such a wonderful day with Eliot.  I really enjoyed living in the moment with him and I was able to think of Stella's death in a positive way today.  We played silly games and he helped me around the house.  I even had enough patience to let him do things his way, which always takes twice as long.  I just loved being in the moment with him and not being distracted by negative thoughts.  I love days like this! 
     Even though it can be extremely frustrating, it is nice to know that every day can be different when it comes to your grief.  Today was wonderful, yesterday was mediocre, and who knows what tomorrow will bring.  All that we can do is deal with the days as they come.  It is true when people say that grief is like trying to keep your head above water.  On those days when the emotions are too much, then it is all I can do to just make it through.  On the days like today, I can hold on to the positive feelings and try to push them into tomorrow.  I am trying to use mind over matter on my bad days.  I like the idea that if you want to be positive, or happy, that all you need to do is to act that way.  I'm not sure how that will go but I am willing to give it a try.  I don't think that it could make it hurt any more than it does on those bad days. 
     Also, I am really trying to focus more on myself.  I know that if I am getting good rest, some exercise, and eating decent, then I will be a happier person because my physical body will feel better.  I am working on doing things that I want to do to bring some fun into my life.  It is hard for me to do things.  I would much rather stay at home most of the time but I know that if I go out then I get a boost of energy.  If I go out with other people, then I really get energized.  It is things like these that I am working on.  Even though I just started, this blog has been helpful to me already.  I like knowing that I could be potentially helping someone else.  It is also helpful for me to get all of these thoughts and emotions out of my head.  I never thought they were bothering me or weighing me down but after a day like today, I have to wonder if they were slowly poisoning me.  I can't wait for more days like today!  I hope tomorrow is just as good.  Who knows? Maybe tomorrow will be even better!  God bless!
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1 comment:

  1. The Cramer ClanNovember 4, 2011 at 8:54 AM

    Glad that peaceful days are occurring, approaching normal and "Life is like a jumprope" makes me think that some days will be better than others. Love, Jordec AKA Dad

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