Taxes and Everyday Reminders

     We did our taxes the yesterday and I was really anxious of how they were going to handle Stella.  They handled the situation politely and without a lot of questions, which was nice for a change.  They knew right what to do and didn't make a big deal out of it.  We knew that since Stella was born alive, which meant that she had a birth certificate, and that we had a social security number for her, that she would be counted as our dependant for last year.  We just weren't sure how to fill out the paper work.  They had us write her down as living with us for last year as our dependent.  I was surprised at how happy that made me.  I felt that Stella was validated by the world. It was a great feeling to write down her name, birthday and daughter under the relationship status section.  It also made me sad for all of those people that carried their child to full-term only to have a stillborn.  How sad for them to not have their child validated as Stella was.  Another reason that I am thankful for all that we had and have with Stella. 
      I have so many daily reminders of losing Stella and the whole situation.  First off, I have to take extra pills everyday.  Those pills are a reminder to me of my body 'failing' me.  Don't get me wrong, I don't blame my body for Stella's condition.  I know that there were many, many factors that had to come together to have that happen.  However, I still can't help but be reminded that something as small as a little pill could have made a difference.  Of course, there is no way to know if they would have helped or not but I take them to potentially help out if/when we get pregnant again.  It is just not a good feeling to have to take more pills but I suppose that it is a small thing to do in the long haul of it all.  Taking those pills also reminds me that it could happen again.  I know that I could go through it again if I had to because I have already done it once.  I can't help wondering how it will affect other aspects of my life though, like my marriage and friendships.  Things have shifted a little in these areas since Stella.  They are not worse but different.  Stella's death put a strain on my relationships in general because everything is always related back to Stella in my mind.  I think that I have gotten closer to some friends and farther away from others.  Jordec and I are overall closer but also farther apart at times.  We both live in solitude sometimes.  I think that is good, at least for me.  Sometimes I need to work out stuff in my head about how I am feeling before I talk about it or act on it. 
     Another reminder that I have is the discoloration mark on my arm from when they tried to start an IV.  Yes, over 6 months later, it is still slightly there.  I am actually looking to get a tattoo there to honor Stella.  I have a few ideas for that one but not a final draft yet.  I am looking to incorporate a star and a flower somehow.  I also still sleep with the blanket Stella used in the hospital.  I feel comfort in just holding it.  I know that I will one day stop doing that but I just can't do it yet. 
     These reminders are not sad, they are just present every day.  I don't want to forget Stella but some days I just want to get away from thinking about it.  I can't do that at all with these reminders.  I know that getting away from it won't make me better, but a break from time to time would be nice.  I need the breather!  Prayers to those out there going through their own grief.  God bless!
~Stella's Mommy~ 

Stella’s Story Part 6: Birth Day - Celebration

       After Stella had passed, we had sent everyone out of the room to have some alone time with her.  After a bit, we opened the doors and everyone flooded into the room.  It seemed that everyone couldn’t wait to see Stella some more and have their chance to hold her.  The first thing that we did is to have a photo shoot.  We were going to donate Stella’s liver so therefore we had one hour after she passed to be with her.  Then she would have to go get her operation done.  We didn’t know if the operation would change her appearance so we wanted to take lots of pictures right away.  Stella had started to turn a bit blue when she was struggling for oxygen before she passed.  After she died, her color actually started going back to normal.  The nurses were confused.  They said that it was not normal and that usually the color would stay bluish.  It was one of many small miracles that happened that day.  Having her for two hours instead of mere minutes was another one.  Angel, our NILMDTS photographer, got many nice pictures of Stella and us.  My cousin also took many pictures for us.  She got lots of great pictures of Stella, Stella with people and the behind the scenes shots of the day. The whole day was captured in pictures.  We put on Stella’s cute while dress and bonnet and she looked like a little angel.  We took pictures with her in her special blankets and with special items, the bonnet I wore when I was little, the bracelet that we had made for her, etc.  A few select people got to hold Stella before her operation, her Godparents, her Grandparents, but the first was her Great-Grandma Schaecher who made the trek down to see her.  I was so proud to show her off to my Grandma and she seemed so excited to hold Stella.  It was so special to have a four generation picture taken.  It is even more special now that my Grandma has passed away.  The last thing that we did before she left for her operation was to get her footprints and handprints done.  Her feet and hands were so big.  Her feet were long and skinny with long and skinny toes.  Her hands were also big with long and skinny fingers.  The nurses also did impressions of her hands and feet.  It was great of them to have those kits there and to do that for us. 

We met with the doctors that were going to do Stella’s operation, we gave her kisses good-bye and then they took her away for awhile.  Angel had to leave during the break so my cousin continued and took over as our main photographer.  We had some down time for about two hours while they did the operation and recovered her liver.  We talked with the doctor after and he told us that everything went well and that she did a good job.  I was so proud of her.  I know that is an odd feeling, but I was so proud of her to be generous.  I loved her more than ever.  After she came back, she looked just the same.  Her color was great and she was beautiful.  She was a bit stiff and cold but we expected that.  We had the nurses wrap her in warm blankets and then everyone got their turn to hold her.  Eliot was first.  He opened his present from Eliot, a special blanket that I made with my Mom that said Eliot and Stella on it with a heart.  Eliot was in much better spirits at this point and he couldn’t get enough of her.  He wanted to look at every part of her and touch her all over.  He sat next to me and we put Stella’s hand around his finger and her gave her kisses over and over again.  He also blew raspberries on her cheeks, which was so adorable.  He had on his I’m a Big Brother shirt and pin and was willing to show it off to anyone who would pay attention to him.  We would ask him if he was done holding her and he would say no.  Then we would ask if he wanted to hold her for a little bit or a long time and he would say long time.  Even when he said he was done, he would come back later and want to hold her again and again.  I couldn’t have asked for a better behaved two year old on that day. 

It was great to see everyone so excited to hold her and have their turn to meet her properly.  There was so much love in the room that it was amazing.  Fr. Connor came back to visit with us and we took some pictures with the baptismal party.  Father said he could feel the love in the room and he was reminded of the song “In this very room”.  He sang a few bars but none of us knew the song.  Now it is one of my favorites and it always takes me back to that part of the day and I can feel the love all over again.  At one point, some representatives from NORS, the organ donation place, came in and gave us special bears for us to keep to represent Stella being a hero by donating.  That was very special.  We kept one, gave one to each set of grandparents, Stella’s great-grandma and Eliot.  Everyone was honored to have one.  At one point, Stella’s incision site seemed to be leaking so they were going to change her outfit and diaper.  We had them keep they diaper but as the nurse started to do it, my sister-in-law jumped right in to help.  Because of that, she is the only one to get to change Stella’s diaper.  I love the pictures of this, my sister-in-law has a wonderful smile on her face and is looking on Stella with so much love.  They are some of my favorite pictures. We had lots of visitors and lots of people who got to hold Stella.  Stella had bright red lips, I’m not sure why, but Eliot thought they were very cool and he tried to use his sucker like lipstick to make his lips just as red as Stella’s. 

       Before we knew it, we had Stella in our life for almost 12 hours.  We knew that the sooner we got her to a funeral home, the better for her visitation and funeral.  We prepared to let her go, physically.  Jordec took her on a ride in the bassinet while Eliot and his cousin helped pull.  He took her to the waiting room where everyone else was and then we slowly undressed her to take in all of her parts one last time. I was nervous about seeing the dressing for her incision site but it wasn’t scary at all.  I even had the nurse take off her diaper so that I could see her little tushie.  I wanted to see all of her one last time.  I took off the clothes that I wanted to keep and then I had them put on a new hat to take with her.  They cut off her hospital bracelets and snipped some locks of hair for us too.  The funeral home director came to get her and we said our last goodbyes.  I knew that we would never get to hold her again.  I knew this was the end of our time with her.  I cry right now just thinking of that moment.  It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, to let her go.  We took some private time with her and I told her all of the things that I would ever want to tell her.  I told her how much I was going to miss her and that we loved her so much.  I told her to say hello to my Dad and all of the other family in heaven with her.  I told her how we were going to miss so many things and that we wanted her to watch out for us and for Eliot.  I thanked her for fighting to stay with us for two hours and told her that we were proud of her for her fight and for being so brave.  We wanted to say everything that we could think of at that moment so there would be no regrets.  I know that I said everything that I wanted to.  The funeral director came back and took Stella away.  It was just as my Mom said it would be.  We said what we could to Stella and then after she was gone, I cried harder than I had ever cried in my entire life.  Jordec and I cried and held each other and then cried more.  I couldn’t believe that she was really gone.  I couldn’t even hold her anymore, she was truly gone.  After we cried for awhile, we opened the door and people poured in to stay with us for a bit longer.  After everyone left, Jordec crawled into bed with me again and we cried and talked for a long time.  Eventually we were just exhausted and we went to bed.  God bless.

After Six Months

     Stella's six month heaven anniversary was harder for me that I thought it would be.  I woke up thinking of her and she was on my mind all day.  At church, two of the songs that were sung were from her funeral service.  I tried to sing the first one and couldn't.  It was all I could do to not openly weep during church.  Then the last song was another one.  I busied my self putting Eliot's church toys away to distract myself from crying.  I was just missing her so much already and those songs brought me back to her funeral.  I thought about how hard it was to let her go and especially to watch them close the casket knowing I would never see her in the flesh again.  We lit a candle for Stella and said a quick prayer after church.  Fr. Connor had mass and he greeted us as we left, shook our hands and asked how the Cramer's were doing.  Then he said, "Happy 6 months".  I was so touched that he remembered.  We are part of a large parish and it made me realize how much Stella had impacted him as well.  After that, I lost it.  I couldn't contain my tears and they started before we were out of church.  I cried all the way home and then some more.  Jordec, Eliot and I hugged and we just missed Stella. 
     Our friends came over later on and we had a great time just being in the company of each other.  Two of the kids that came made beautiful flowers for Stella on her half birthday.  We received a few cards too that just helped us realize how much Stella is remembered and thought about.  That is all we could ever ask and hope for.  Thank you to all who remembered us on her six months and on the other days as well.

Blest Are They

Blest are they, the poor in spirit; theirs is the kingdom of God.

Blest are they, full of sorrow; they shall be consoled.

Refrain: Rejoice, and be glad! Blessed are you, holy are you!

Rejoice and be glad! Yours is the kingdom of God!

Blest are they, the lowly ones: they shall inherit the earth.

Blest are they, who hunger and thirst; they shall have their fill.

Blest are they, who show mercy; mercy shall be theirs.

Blest are they, the pure of heart; they shall see God!

Blest are they, who seek peace; they are the children of God.

Blest are they who suffer in faith; the glory of God is theirs.

Blest are you, who suffer hate, all because of me.

Rejoice and be glad, yours is the kingdom of God; shine for all to see.

City of God

Awake from your slumber! Arise from your sleep!
A new day is dawning for all those who weep.
The people in darkness have seen a great light.
The Lord of our longing has conquered the night.

Refrain: Let us build the city of God.
May our tears be turned into dancing.
For the Lord our light and our love has turned the night into day.

We are sons of the morning; we are daughters of day.
The One who has loved us has brightened our way.
The Lord of all kindness has called us to be
a light for all people to set their hearts free.

God is light; in God there is no darkness.
Let us walk in the light. God's children one and all.
O comfort my people make gentle your words,
proclaim to my city the day of her birth.

O city of gladness now lift up your voice,
proclaim the good tidings that all may rejoice.